I’ve lost so much in so little time. It’s a wonder I’m not losing my mind. Every time I see that unopened letter I want to cry for all the times I’ve lied, deceived, and hurt those I love. That unopened, untouched letter is driving me insane with regret. I know this is best…maybe for us but at the same time I have given up everything I’ve ever known and for what? A night with some guy who probably never cared about me anyways.
Lack of contact is making me crazy. Lack of knowing, lack of love…attention…. was it all worth it? Was everything I’ve ever done worth it? I’ll never know. No one will ever know because I won’t let them close enough to love me again. It’s too much, too hard… to let someone in knowing they have vulnerable pieces of you to shatter and smash like glass.
The white lines from nights long gone scare me still… I’m scared of their meaning, their story. Every single one has a frightening beginning, but never an end… not yet. I’m still ignoring and distracting the demon, but for how long will that last? For how long can I keep my own mind chained up like a rabid dog? No one seems to know. Maybe it’s already been unleased and it’s taking its time; toying with my emotions. I’m unstable, unavailable, and I’m unknown. Once again I’m invisible to the eyes of many. Unknown to the souls around me. Everyone may think I’m average, normal- maybe until I shed my skin and share the beast inside. I want to be known as the one who won the fight, not the one who lost the battle. I need to survive to prove who I am is important, not a waste. Those horrible, hurtful things you uttered to me will forever be in my heart- as memories of the day I lost you. I lost a piece of myself- but the question is; did I need that piece? Can I survive without you, that’s the real question. I want to leave the past few years behind me, good times and all. I need to lock up those days in cages and boxes… hoping they’ll stay away. I’ve never been so messed up from the fight. The pounding of hearts, broken and bruised., sound off in my ears. But I realize it’s only one heart, mine.