I was misguided. My demons would taunt me. Convince me to wander on countless occasions. I'd roam around until they'd finally attack. They always did and always do, as soon as they see their chance. They feed on any sign of weakness. If they see some sign that you are not as strong as the strongest, it holds out it's Erie hand. The temptation is overwhelming and fills your body with with a sensation that makes you believe everything will be alright. As long as you do what the voices say. So you naively accept. Just like myself, I took what I thought was the easy way out.
When you say yes, you feel a false grin mask your own before you are pulled into the terrifying abyss of your own mind. I was there. But it felt as if I was nowhere at all. Stranded in my own island. Surrounded by an ocean of negativity. But are you really? I wish someone would've told me, because I could never say for certain. Some days I couldn't contain my own fright. Each day of your life, you could feel yourself falling back further and further. The day was either never ending or was over in the blink of an eye. I don't know which was worse.
Your hands trace the lines that cover your body so you can make yourself believe that you have some sort of direction. Other days know you're going crazy and just lay back and force yourself to go numb. Until someone nonchalantly asks you if you're okay. Makes you snap back to reality, hip hip hooray. Giving you a glimpse of hope that won't last through the day.. You wish it would stay but it fades. Just like the faith you once had. Thinking about all that was lost makes you mad. Enraged. But you're trapped in a cage. Like a bird. Or perhaps a mouse finding his way through an endless maze. Sad and in a haze. This depression won't loosen it's grip on you. It got a quick taste and now it's devoted. It's hung on you and it's determined to stick like glue.
Until you realize that you no longer have a mouth. It is nothing but a slot. A slot? Yes. Where you put in tapes and a prerecorded message comes out. And that's all you get. A recording. Some see a cassette. When you finish one side, you have to turn it over to reset. You try and speak. But all you hear is the same old things. Didn't know that a brain could bet set on repeat. Replaying the Mistake track of your life. The same words that have been prieched over and over again. The same moments you wish to forget. The same people that think they can just come and go whenever they please. These go hand in hand with the pain that the past brings up. Complementing one another. Memories and mixed emotion. You've held on so long, your hands are worn, dry and giving out.. They could use some lotion. Smooth away any pain, like Clorox on a stain.
You skip a track to maybe get a fresh taste but the it's repetitive. You want to be the best but you're told that you're a pest, it's competitive. The things said don't mean a thing, your word is dead. Don't feel so bad. It's bright up ahead.. Because the ones you love understand, you weren't in the right state of mind. They will forgive you, but not quite trust you. That's the worst feeling of all.. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Hating someone means you still have some feelings left or words unsaid. While indifference means there's a lack of interest and the person no longer cares.
You realize you are no longer you. Which makes you question who you were in the first place. Which then leads you to examine your life. Examine every little itty bitty thing that you have done. Every single mistake you've made plays in slow motion. Every victory is either on fast forward or has a skip in it that takes you back to the beginning. You might go crazy. But what is crazy?
Crazy is what we fear. But it hasn't occurred to us just yet, that crazy is what we are. We try to live up to a standard to be what we are not. A clichéd model of what is "normal". We live in hopes that who we really are is camouflaged. But you can't escape from the truth. The truth of who you are. We've all tried to escape. Break free from our daily lives into a world of our own. Somewhere along that path we get stopped.. We're afraid to tell the ones we love about what's going on. Possibly afraid of judgement, their disappointment, their shock or afraid of their reaction in general.
We have to face the truth sooner or later, but it feels relieving to be comforted by something. The emptiness cradles your body like the love you wish you could give yourself. Instead you feel the hatred coursing through your veins. Each pump from the heart sends missiles of hurt through your veins. Filling sadness throughout your naive young body.
Remember when you weren't doing so fine, you told em it was a shifty sign. You said you'd find some way to repair all those mistakes. Mend those unjustly broken hearts. Try to Fix the damage you did this lifetime. But all you've managed to do is get caught.. Now you're stuck. No, not Hung up" like a jacket. But hooked onto a quick fix. A fix that Will not repair anything. It just Seems to suppress what you feel. tucks away. takes you away, leaving your presence, not present for days.
Your mind is elsewhere. A vacant soul. Absent of any life. A life you chose. The choices you made. in and out. It's apparent that you've become transparent. Absorbed by a drug that leaves us to observe you. But that's not you. Is that you. How can I know if this is you if you don't even know. Acknowledge yourself. Look in that mirror. See those eyes that match your own gaze. Do you really see? Or are you lost into those baby blues. You seem to have Set sail into the sea of the cornia. Only to come to an abrupt halt. Everything's gone. That body of water is nothing more than a body. A nothing.
Staring into that mirror. You see.. It wasn't a sea. It hit you like a tilde wave and awoken the awareness that you need to change. Falling into that emptiness will only do you harm. But how can you stop when you aren't falling. No, in fact. You are being pulled. You are being jerked into a dark pit with rigid edges of misery that send your body into shock. So much pain, your only defense is to be a rock. Bottle it all up.
Lead those feelings away from your mind. You put up false directions so that they find their way to the pit of your stomach. You lock them away. Lock them away like Zeus locked away the titans. Lock them away like we unfairly do with all of today's colored youth. Lock them away alongside the hopes and dreams of the children that we forcibly drill standards that are simply unobtainable.
Which could lead someone to stop. But it led me to halt. forced me to acknowledge that how I was living was not really living. I was a piece in a game. A game being played by the simplified views and demeaning opinions of someone else. At first, I morphed how I played my cards so I could follow along as life rolled the dice.. But I can no longer do so. Nor will I longer do so.
An epiphany. It comes to some eventually. Coming little by little, until it hits you abruptly. Shocks you like that old outlet in the spare bedroom. Giving you jilts of realization of something that alters your mindset. It may leave you grateful or even upset. But either way it makes an impact on your life.
This is where it stops. The hurt, betrayal, grudges, lies, pain, anger. The past that never leaves and will always be a constant reminder of what was. But it won't always be. I will let go. Start a new. Each day of my life I will start with a smile. Not one masked by pain, but one ignited by the joy I'm gaining each new day. I started to see that the only part of my life that I can really control, is how I live it and how I chose to go about each day. I can create true beauty with my attitude, perspective, behavior and actions.
Once I accept these so called flaws, they no longer can be used against me. once I embrace the traits that aren't my best, is when I see myself as the best. Learn to see life as something beautiful instead of something dreadful. Each day is a step towards something new. A new blank canvas for all of the days to come. A new chapter in the book of your life. Each day is a new opportunity to learn, grow and change. So why not soar as high as you can and end that chapter. Turn the page.
I learned it isn't about how others see you, it's about how you see yourself. To love yourself is not selfish, it's smart. Something that is good for the heart. Treat yourself nicely, treat others kindly and that's where to start. In order to love someone and do it correctly, you must love yourself. Start with self love directly. If your love and affection does not include yourself, it's insufficient and lacking the most important one. Loving yourself isn't being conceited. It's a blessing. To love yourself, shows you can love others. Keeping in mind that Not everyone is out to hurt you.
None of these steps are punishment. They are blessings. This life takes a lot out of all of us and at the end of the day we wonder if it's really worth it. In the end, the struggles, difficulties and heartbreaks we go through are matched with joy, happiness, love and kindness. You get the love back that you put in. That doesn't mean it'll be easy. It may not be the same for everyone, but it sure as he'll doesn't mean it isn't worth fighting for.
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