Check-In (CW: Abuse, Trauma)
Never to bed, early to rise
Adds to the rings beneath my eye
The gray and purple, these colors shine through
You'd call them your favorites if you had them too
No rest for the wicked's what I always said
But I wasn’t so wicked and still I feel dead
Morning's no haven from the dark before
And I know that I can't do this anymore
I can count all the dream I've had in my life
On the hand that isn't holding the knife
But for scores of nightmares I've tossed and I've turned
Seeing business unfinished and lessons unlearned
My eyes so bloodshot from how I weep
No one should fear falling asleep
But under the gaze of a worried moon
I pray for slumber and hope it comes soon
If I exhaust myself and stay awake
Maybe I won't dream the next sleep that I take
Maybe then I won't have to run through hell
Where my demons applaud me and ask if I'm well
Maybe then I'll slip into inky black
Waking fresh and free when the sun comes back
But science will whisper "that just makes it worse"
So even exhausted I bear my curse
A demon still haunts me, no name to distinguish
But he thrives on my fear, my exhaustion, my anguish
Like spiders, his stories come feast on my brain
And I writhe and convulse and cry out in pain
My mother, my brother, my father and I
All falling from heaven the day that we die
My best friend, my lover, and I all three
Corpses in flames is all I see
So I'll admit my problems to a stranger on the street
Hoping we never again will meet
But I'll leave you to wonder where my mind goes
When the light go out in this body I chose
And if there's light at the end of this tunnel I'm in
I hope when I reach it I'll see you again
But if there's no light and I wander alone
Then how can I handle the things I've been shown?
I want to get better, I promise, I swear
But I just can't get better when they're everywhere
The demons I see, the secrets I keep
And every feeling that I feel so deep
But if I get better, how much would I change?
Would you all still love me if I weren't the same?
I know that it's better is I go and get help
But can it be better if I'm not myself?
So tonight when I sleep, since I haven't in days
I'll lay there and count up all of the ways
I could have done better, and not been so lost
How I let it go on, not knowing the cost
Of hands on my throat and fire in my eye
Refusing to utter a single goodbye
I fought so hard then, so why can't I now
Against orders and whims to which I bow?
And when darkness meets me behind pale lids
I'll try to remember that we were just kids
And knowing better no would not have saved me then
But do I know better? If not now, then when?
Why is it that when a box falls to a cart
I drop to the ground and I fall apart?
Why is it that just when I think I'm alright
I'm reminded and tortured, just like on that night?
Why is it when I see a bag or a pin
I'm reminded of fingernails under my skin?
Why does it remind me of bruises and scrapes
And a grasp from under which I can't escape?
What happened to the nightmares I had as a child
That were far more simple, docile and mild
What happened to nights fear bad grades on a test
Instead of feeling her hands wrapped around my neck?
I'm going to get better, I promise I'll try
But don't hesitate to hold my on nights when I cry
I am broken and feeble, shattered and weak
I need kind words if you have strength to speak
I'll come out stronger, though different, I know
But I have to tell you before I go
That if I's had the choice, you know I would choose
To go back and fix it before I hurt you
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