Check-In (CW: Abuse, Trauma)

Never to bed, early to rise

Adds to the rings beneath my eye

The gray and purple, these colors shine through

You'd call them your favorites if you had them too

No rest for the wicked's what I always said

But I wasn’t so wicked and still I feel dead

Morning's no haven from the dark before

And I know that I can't do this anymore

 

I can count all the dream I've had in my life

On the hand that isn't holding the knife

But for scores of nightmares I've tossed and I've turned

Seeing business unfinished and lessons unlearned

My eyes so bloodshot from how I weep

No one should fear falling asleep

But under the gaze of a worried moon

I pray for slumber and hope it comes soon

 

If I exhaust myself and stay awake

Maybe I won't dream the next sleep that I take

Maybe then I won't have to run through hell

Where my demons applaud me and ask if I'm well

Maybe then I'll slip into inky black

Waking fresh and free when the sun comes back

But science will whisper "that just makes it worse"

So even exhausted I bear my curse

 

A demon still haunts me, no name to distinguish

But he thrives on my fear, my exhaustion, my anguish

Like spiders, his stories come feast on my brain

And I writhe and convulse and cry out in pain

My mother, my brother, my father and I

All falling from heaven the day that we die

My best friend, my lover, and I all three

Corpses in flames is all I see

 

So I'll admit my problems to a stranger on the street

Hoping we never again will meet

But I'll leave you to wonder where my mind goes

When the light go out in this body I chose

And if there's light at the end of this tunnel I'm in

I hope when I reach it I'll see you again

But if there's no light and I wander alone

Then how can I handle the things I've been shown?

 

I want to get better, I promise, I swear

But I just can't get better when they're everywhere

The demons I see, the secrets I keep

And every feeling that I feel so deep

But if I get better, how much would I change?

Would you all still love me if I weren't the same?

I know that it's better is I go and get help

But can it be better if I'm not myself?

 

So tonight when I sleep, since I haven't in days

I'll lay there and count up all of the ways

I could have done better, and not been so lost

How I let it go on, not knowing the cost

Of hands on my throat and fire in my eye

Refusing to utter a single goodbye

I fought so hard then, so why can't I now

Against orders and whims to which I bow?

 

And when darkness meets me behind pale lids

I'll try to remember that we were just kids

And knowing better no would not have saved me then

But do I know better? If not now, then when?

Why is it that when a box falls to a cart

I drop to the ground and I fall apart?

Why is it that just when I think I'm alright

I'm reminded and tortured, just like on that night?

 

Why is it when I see a bag or a pin

I'm reminded of fingernails under my skin?

Why does it remind me of bruises and scrapes

And a grasp from under which I can't escape?

What happened to the nightmares I had as a child

That were far more simple, docile and mild

What happened to nights fear bad grades on a test

Instead of feeling her hands wrapped around my neck?

 

I'm going to get better, I promise I'll try

But don't hesitate to hold my on nights when I cry

I am broken and feeble, shattered and weak

I need kind words if you have strength to speak

I'll come out stronger, though different, I know

But I have to tell you before I go

That if I's had the choice, you know I would choose

To go back and fix it before I hurt you

 

This poem is about: 
Me
My family
My community

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