Welcome to the carnival of life

Where brilliance shines, flashing lights

Where memories are our currencies

Where affection is shared like cotton candy

Where strength is measured in courage

So taking a chance is laughing in the dead of night with your friends;

“What if somebody hears us? Who cares?”

Where our bodies become sore from all the good things in life

            Our stomachs churning from greasy fries and relentless laughing

            Our feet aching from chasing after new dreams and new rides

            Our hearts pounding from excited fear of new heights and new rides

            Our eyes crying from bad jokes and freedom from our pasts

Where I have also been put into dunk tanks

            Friends throwing insults and stones

Trying to press the right button to send me drowning in my sorrows and anxiety   

Where I have been put into spinning spaceships

            The swirling notion of never being accepted pinning me to the wall

            My stomach crawls up out of my chest until finally

            Panic Attack!

            This is not a drill

            All bystanders please evacuate before the white school shooter blows

            No, I’d rather bottle it all inside

            Instead of showing them how everyday I live to die

Comments like darts aimed at my mind

            Throw enough and I’ll pop

            Then steal the innocence inside

            My inspiration, so fragile

            When it’s gone, I can’t even cry

Too much noise, too many lights

I run to my fun house

A false bravado of happiness

Nevertheless, a safe-house

Forced to look at the abomination that is my reflection

Cover the white with red

Maybe I won’t be guilty for the actions of the dead

Demented mirrors changing my perceptions

The truth feels uncomfortable because of my misconceptions

My mind swirling

Swirling, Swirling, Swirling

The Carousal

My favorite ride

As a kid my father took me here

He said, “why don’t you give it a try”

So, I did

 I didn’t know any better, still don’t

I wanted to sit on the white stallion at the center, but he said start here

A worn down brown pony, without any ears

A lift and a quick “all clear” was all it took

I went soaring into the wind, without any fear

Up, down; swirling, didn’t understand but I wanted to do it again

Next was a golden pony

It had perfect ears, and the clean crisp lines of a fantastical design

I got up with only a little help, yelled “all clear” and went laughing into the wind

Smooth ups, downs; swirling, I started to understand.

Each pony had ups and downs

Each pony came back to the same place

The only thing that changed, was me

The looks were a side, the ride was the prize

What I remember the most is how my father was always there

            For when I tried to climb on a pony that was to high

            Or cried when the horse I wanted passed by

            Or tried to stand on one to feel the warm summer breeze

            Always… there

Just before you leave, I invite you over to the ferrous wheel.

            I like to lie back and look at the sky

            The stars shine bright and align to form the ghosts of my past

            Hi nanny, how’s it been?

            I still think about Christmas at the home and playing trouble

            Your gifts of love and smarties

            Hey best friend

            I know you’re still alive

So why do I see your face in the nights sky?

Maybe it’s not you, it’s us

Then I sit up and look down upon what is below

            At all the good and all the bad at this carnival

            All the ups and all the downs

            And I love it

Cause this is my damn carnival

My life

Welcome to the carnival of life