A poem for the best and most influential mentor in my life,
my big brother
David, my dear brother, you are like no other.
That line was cliche as hell, I know, but it is true.
When I was tiny and impressionable I believed there was nothing you couldn’t do.
I was wrong, because you are just as flawed as me or anyone else, and if anything that is better.
Because it means I can feel closer to you as a troubled adolescent, because you were one just the same.
I remember being alone in that old windy house, wondering why you were always away,
Why it felt like talking to you was like trying to read a crumpled up letter.
You closed yourself off from our family and of course you're not to blame.
That old windy house was straight up insane,
As the nights were filled with unbreakable tension and arguments ringing in our ears.
You blinded your brown eyes with work and friends as I blinded the same brown eyes with imagination and tears.
And so years went by and the stories finally unraveled,
Leaving the exposed wounds of the mental and emotional abuse we have picked up from our travels.
You went on, you pushed through, and anytime I thought going on was pointless I remembered you.
I remember how you taught me to express my opinions with fluidity and purpose,
And I like to believe I took part in teaching you to be more open-minded.
You express your problems as if they’re less important cause they’ve never been diagnosed nonetheless treated.
Your problems and feelings are just as valid as mine, and I know the shit our father put us through,
Plus other storms happening as we go on, neither of us are 100% fine.
You are not my mentor because you are smarter, older, or better than me.
You are my mentor because you see what I see and you don’t ignore it or try to pretend it doesn’t exist, you stare right into it, take my hand and tell me I will become all I want to be.
I’m not gonna lie there have been times when I wanted to die, believing I’m a burden to everyone I love and more.
Then I thought of you and our late night talks, how’d I miss them so,
And how no matter what my depression tries to convince me of, you would be a mess if I were dead.
So I lie in bed, trying so hard to cry, spending weeks or months at a time just wanting to die,
But then I imagine your sad eyes if you knew.
Those sad brown eyes that are identical to mine, but the difference is they have witnessed such different dimensions and times.
So you would think we wouldn’t have a lot in common, but when our eyes combine,
The planets a-line to show dark truths as well as good times.
I think I’d be dead by now, if it weren’t for you.
Yes, I think I would have drawn blood or chocked or swallow all the pills, I think I would have never gained a will to live again,
If it weren’t for you.
Four brown eyes, combine into two, and look at the world in such a cynical, critical, confused and colorful point of view,
And somehow it all makes sense to us.
And we’re the only two people in the world that live separate lives in separate times, separate bodies and separate minds,
That share this sorrowful but powerful link.
Though we are definitely not in sink, we are definitely aware of one another.
We care for eachother, thank you for existing, and simply being there for me.
I love you big brother.