Be Still, and Know that He is God
I don’t feel like normal people
(Or at least, I don’t think so)
Simple emotions, certainly
Happiness, sorrow, anger
I run the normal gamut
With the others of our race
Feeling a thing
Then having the feeling pass
But all my strongest emotions are best expressed
By stillness
And airlessness
And silence
Rage, fury, too strong, and I still
I become tall, much taller than I am
And my eyes are just thin layers of slime I could rub away
Tingles prickle my skin at all my joints, half-felt
Numbness that sweeps through me
Tip to toe
And leaves me hollowed out, echoing
In that moment I could dispassionately dissect my focus
Vein by vein
Hear their cries and feel
Nothing
Sounds are muted
I am sure if I tried
I could hear my pulse
And I am still
And I am silent
And the hollowness leaves me airless
Fear too powerful, and I gasp
Hopelessly
For air that’s not coming
Not of anything that can rip the flesh
Nothing formed can make me feel this way
No, only the formless
The abstract
The future
The possibles I fear
Paralyzing
Down to my knees, and I pray, pray, pray
Even as most of my mind is still as a tree
In hopes that it won’t be noticed perhaps?
And I certainly don’t scream
That’s for lesser fears
And I pray
Pray
Pray
Pray
And I try to draw in a breath
But only the thinnest edges of air
Can slip past the block in my throat
Silent
Still
Airless
Sorrow too aching
And tears can barely even come
For some reason, I can barely even cry at all
For my worst, most wrenching sorrows and regrets
There is no need to suppress my sobs
I could barely draw enough breath for a whine if I tried
And beside which sobs aren’t quite the right thing
For the throbbing in my lungs
(Or is it mind or soul or liver or chest? perhaps all? who can tell?)
I can hardly breathe
I am still
Though I don’t know if it’s because
I don’t know how to express what I am feeling
Or if that’s the best way to do so
Airless
Silent
Still
Joy so suffocating
And I clench my chest in my mind and
Freeze
It’s too much for my body
Which just can’t cope with
Such large doses of emotion to begin with
And when joy is the strongest of them all?
Oh, no
My body can’t contain something of that magnitude
And it strains at the seams
(And I’m not at all convinced it doesn’t burst)
It hurts, and I can’t contain something like that, I can’t!
And I swallow mouthfuls of air
That don’t seem to contain any oxygen
And in my mind my eyes are wide
And fearful
And pained
And I clutch my chest
And I back into the wall
And I slide down it to the ground
And I keel over and lie there
Curled and panting
And through it all, I could swear my lungs are still
Certainly all non-immediately needed organs are
My limbs are numb
And I can only feel a small, precious cavity in my chest
With any sort of real connection
Oh, so divorced from most of me
Perhaps it has broken and died
Due to bursting from the
Overflowing
Overpowered emotion
And that is why I can’t feel it all
Oh, still
Oh, airless
And for the sake of those around me
Feeling only happiness and not this
Paralyzing
Overwhelming joy
Silent as the grave
Perhaps someday I’ll show someone what I really feel
That paralyzing, airless sensation that leaves me
Feeling as though I need to
Brace my arms against the wall or
Throw myself back bodily
So that my back hits the wall
And the physical can match the internal
(But I can’t, my neck won’t support such violent movement)
But I wonder if I’ll ever really trust someone that much
In anima
But for now
Secret
Airless
Silent
Still.