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Are you a Virgin?
Location
Everyone is so obsessed with virginity. They ask:
Are you still a virgin?
How come?
You're not?
Who'd you lose it to?
When? Where?
How? But I ask back
What does it matter?
They try to hold it back forcefully, a hand over their mouths until the nauseating temptation of the topic cannot be held back anymore
And the provocations and questions burst from the cracks between their lips
The words themselves burn as they spread through the air like black plumes of pressure and tension
suffocating the room of any hope of a pleasantly innocent conversation where the answer is not sweat
and more sweat
and shifty eyes
and a pit feeling
and self-admonishment
21 questions turn from "What'd you want to be when you're older?" to
"How'd you lose your virginity?"
What does it matter?
As if my high achievements, colorful ambitions, weird personality, tall sacrifices and an identity so profound that I cannot even conceive what the bottom looks like
cannot even be considered to be looked at without first knowing who I fucked
I am many things
but I AM NOT GOING TO BE A BOX you just check off
and if you must know
I AM NOT A VIRGIN
I am not a virgin because when I was a kid I did well not because I had to, but because I knew what it meant for my mom to work without sleep
I am not a virgin because I knew what "divorce" and "infidelity" meant when kids around me were learning their ABCs
I am not a virgin because before I could learn fractions
I had to learn why our rent wasn't enough
why the color of my skin changed whether or not you'd be my friend
why my mom needed me as she almost bled out in my arms.
I AM NOT A VIRGIN
because my young world was ripped up and ignorance was a fantasy
because I was more afraid for my mom than the monsters under my bed
because a nine year old shouldn't have bags packed under his eyes
because a nine year old shouldn't have bags packed
reality was unveiled to me
a bit too early
and a bit too quickly
and a bit too painfully
as I lay down in resentment
and my innocence was snatched
and my friends said guys don't hurt the first time
but I did
So when they ask me if I am still a virgin, I say no
and I had no choice.
Comments
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I am many things
but I AM NOT GOING TO BE A BOX you just check off
and if you must know
I AM NOT A VIRGIN
SO, SO Powerful. Absolutely love this. And I haven't been a Virgin since I was three.
Virginity is just a state of mind for those lucky enough to never have anything more important to worry about EXCEPT their virginity.