Anxiety

I have anxiety

Not the classic shaking and hyperventilating anxiety

The “I’m scared”

The “Something bad is going to happen”

The “I’m dying”

Anxiety is not a cell that you go into every once in a while

It is an ankle monitor that tracks your every move

It is a person clinging to your back 

Telling you everything that you are doing wrong

Telling you that that person is staring at you

It is a beached Blue Whale laying upon your chest

It is ugly faces sneaking up behind you 

And laughing when you jump

It is petrified that if you go outside, something bad will happen

It is petrified to be in your room because you can see the walls caving in

It is the unwanted movements that hurt your neck

That hurt your shoulders and arms

It is the feeling of impending doom 

It is wanting to take your medicine

But fearing it won’t work

Then comes the attacks

First you feel your heart racing around on a track

You feel yourself shake uncontrollably

Your eyes start to roll to the back of your head wanting to see what is going on in there

You fall and start to tense up

You scream in anguish as your muscles clench in fear

You wriggle around trying to get back into control

But fail

The only option is to try to breath and let the attack run its course

You feel your body tremble 

You see terrifying things and you scream for help

But no one can help you

You are all alone

Screaming and in pain

Then you feel all your muscles loosen

You are able to breathe fully 

You pick yourself up and look over yourself to make sure you didn’t break anything

You take a deep breath 

Your brain hurts so you decide to just go to sleep

But you lay in bed numb

You just lay there until you start to feel basic human things

Like the need to urinate

You get up slowly

Testing your weight on your two legs

Testing the theory of you falling

You slowly inch your way to the bathroom

You look yourself in the mirror

Seeing the ugly face of anxiety

You go back to lay down and fall onto the bed

You cry, hating yourself for feeling this way

You lay there until the day breaks

You sigh

Another day of anxiety starts

 

This poem is about: 
Me

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