all my monsters are in disguise


United States

*this describes in great detail sexual abuse so stop reading now if you can't handle it*


im meeting my childhood monster next month 

no one knows he's my monster

no one even knows i have a monster like him

its been a few years since i last saw him

but not a single day has passed when i haven't thought of him

sure I can go all day with not even the slightest hint of him

but as sure as the sun goes down at night he creeps into my head.

all my nightmares involve him 

it started when I was 4 and he was 17

before i even started school my childhood, my innocence was taken.

his hand tightly gripped around my neck 

the smell of his hand beneath my nose covering my mouth

the smell of brass and sweat fresh on his skin

the way he stroked my hair and the way the smell of it aroused him

the taste of him that was forced inside my mouth

the sound of him moaning for me

the feeling of my clothes being taken off of me.

my most vivid memories are of him.

it was around this time the first time he used me.

he was so nice to me in public when anyone was around.

he changed when he got to be alone with me.

hes my cousin so no one expected him to do anything so horrible 

they trusted him to take care of me.

they shouldn't have trusted him. why did they trust him

we were sitting in the living room, i was blowing the bubbles he got me

he was staring at me like he always was

"you like to blow bubbles, huh?"

i smiled big and nodded my head yes so innocently 

he got up and took them from me

he grabbed my hand and i stood up

he guided me to the back room of the house

even at that age i had a bad feeling in my stomach 

he closed and locked the door behind him

he set the bubbles down on his nightstand next to a clock

he told me to sit on the bed so i did

"what happen?" i asked him i was scared

he smiled and he sat down next to me 

he rested his hand on my knee 

"nothing i just wanted to see you closer without someone seeing us"

he made me stand up in front of him facing him

"i don't want to hurt you so don't say a word, not now, not ever, not to anyone"

tears were already filling up my eyes

he put one hand on the side of my face

"no don't cry"

he leaned into me and kissed me on my lips


he cut me off by putting his index finger over my lips

"shhh it's okay"

he pulled up my shirt by this time tears were rolling down my face

he pulled me closer to him and started kissing my chest

his two hands could wrap around my whole body since i was so little

his hands made their way down to my shorts that he unbuttoned 

he pulled them down along with my underwear

they got caught on my velcro sandals 

he picked me up and sat me on his lap as he took my shoes off

he picked me up to lay me down on his unmade bed

he laid beside me 

the entire time tears were just flowing down the sides of my face filling up my ears

"open your mouth"

i was too terrified to move. he pinched my jaws which resulted in my mouth opening 

he stook his index finger in my mouth 

i shut my eyes

he motioned his finger in and out in and out till it was covered with my saliva

he pushed my legs open and his hand made its way between my legs 

he rubbed his finger over my vagina and made his way lower till he found an opening 

he slowly forced his finger inside 

"you're so tight, it's cute"

at the time i thought he was talking about my eyes being closed shut

he started slow moving his finger in and out but he steadily got a little faster 

my eyes still shut "it hurts. please stop. you're hurting me"

i opened my eyes when he pulled his finger out completely 

"im sorry. let me kiss it to make it better"

he got up and positioned himself to where his head was right in front of my vagina

he leaned in closer and smelled me

"you smell so good"

i started sobbing

he licked from bottom of my opening to the top of my clit

he reached for my hand and put on top of his head

"run your fingers through my hair"

i didn't do as i was told. he bit me  

i let out a shriek 

"now run your fingers through my hair like im your dog"

i didnt want ti get bit again so i  did what he told me to do

he was licking me up and down so fast 

one of the reasons ive kept this in so long is because i got wet 

and after a while his licking felt good.

he stopped licking me and he stuck his tongue inside me

he pushed it in and out 

i pulled his hair to get him off but it didn't work 

"oh yes. pull my hair again. i like it"

he grabbed both of my thighs and held them open

he stopped pushing his tongue inside me

he sucked all his saliva and kept sucking

i cried out for him to stop

he started licking again, faster this time 

it got to a point where it hurt so bad that it almost felt good

i pulled his hair harder but he liked it

"please please it hurts too much please stop"

he actually stopped and got on all fours on top of me

"it felt good, huh? that last part"

"it hurt the most"

"you'll grow to like it"

he kissed my lips again

they were still wet from the inside of my vagina 

he picked a towel up from the chair beside his desk

i was still laying down, shaking 

he walked over to me and wiped me dry

"get up"

i crawled off the bed and stood in the center of his room

naked, violated, and ashamed

he picked up my hello kitty underwear and sat on the edge of his bed

"come here" 

i was just a few steps from him and I got closer to him

he put my underwear closer to the ground next to my feet so i could put them on

i put both my hands on his shoulders for balance

he grabbed my shorts and helped me put the on

he grabbed shirt but just sat there

"no one can know we did this cause you'll get in trouble"

i was almost emptied of all my tears but some still rolled down my cheeks

he wiped my tears and kissed my forehead 

"no one can know, okay?"

 i nodded yes and sobbed quietly 

"good girl"

he squeezed my stomach 


talking about putting my arms up

he slid my shirt on me

when he gestured a hug I knew it wouldn't be the last time.

the next few times happened almost exactly the same

till he wanted to do more and more

a few months after the first time was the first time he made me got on my knees

afew months after that he put his penis in me after i got up from being on my knees

a year after that, he introduced one of his friends to me

a few short months after that two more friends were introduced 

by the time i was ten, i was with 8 different men

sometimes two or three at the same time

it stopped two years later when he moved up north with his moms and sister.

we went to visit them when he had a baby with his girlfriend

i was and still am terrified for that little girl.

he only did it three times in those two weeks we were up there.

that was the last time i saw him before he went to jail for something else

im 17 now and his daughter is 6, his son 4.

he's out of jail since May and my family is going up there next month 

they think he's innocent of what he went to jail for.

im not so sure.

they don't know him like i do..





This poem is about: 
My family


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