Today in the car he told me how easy it is to kill yourself.
I wrote it down thinking it would create some meaningful piece of poetry,
But here I am with his line about how our own lives are attached to puppet strings.
Controlling, but he says control only exists in our heads to make ourselves feel better,
It would be true if only he believed it.
We are on our way,
On this beautiful sunny day
To get him new packs of cigarettes.
I have let you in enough times to know I cannot trust you.
I used to choke on your cigarette smoke,
But now I just let it flow through my body and past my bones until I can feel what you,
Dad, are feeling, too.
Your cigarette butts leave a trail of lies as you feed me another, “I quit smoking.”
I feel my grip to what I thought could be defeated let go because in the end:
Addiction always wins.
We cannot have all good things.
No, never at once.
I realised it most when I thought our lives were getting better.
I meet a man who has twice as many balls than you will ever have
Who treats his girlfriends as partners,
Not a stress relief tool or drugs to keep himself high in the night.
Four weeks pass and I see you at last.
You told me life had spun you around quite a bit,
You told me that she was out of your life,
You told me she had you drowning in her lies,
But you did fail to mention one thing
The neighbors called the cops.
Now while you sat up in jail for the night
I hope you re-evaluated that fight
Did you threaten to take her life?
Lord knows it would not be the first time.
She is a drug,
She was your prescribed pharmacy drug and you abused the power she gave you.
You let her dissolve under your tongue,
She was never really there and her smoke didn’t linger in your lungs like you wish it would have
And I know that is what kills you, dad, I see you and I feel that stomach churning feeling
Smoke another cigarette why don’t you,
Let the sun light up the end
Cigarettes are all that cannot leave you
Addiction is once again your best friend.