There was a conversation that never happened

Not even a deleted scene

More like a storyboard

Lost

An idea cut from the first draft 

 

And you are costarring

slouched on the futon while we watch tv

telling me about your new girlfriend

specifically what you are going to do to your new girlfriend

Action 

 

And part of me still remembers my lines

even though I never said them

The conversation I just couldn't start

for fear of embarrassment, losing our friendship 

or just because the commercials were over

That one tiny gesture that might not have changed 

but might have

 

I remember how I never muted the tv

never put my drink down

never said 

how you talk about her

the way you treat her

Your hands are getting too big for your heart

I can smell the future

you

on your breath

She isn't safe with you

 

And now it's two weeks later 

and we're standing in my kitchen

that same silence between us

She didn't want to press charges

so you're a convict 

with sledge hammer hands and no boulders to break them on

 

I am the least important person in this story

and part of me wants to believe that you wouldn't have listened anyway

and part of me is always repeating those lines

and shooting that scene

reminding myself that despite this guilt

I am not a bad person