11 Thoughts from a Social Chameleon

"A Poem Written at One in the Morning on a Random Thursday" or "Maybe Curtains and Masks Aren't So Bad After All" or "A Poem on Being You-- Whatever That Is" or "11 Thoughts from a Social Chameleon".

  1. Did you know that chameleons have a visual field of 360 degrees? Or that they don't have any ear openings at all? They can see everything around them, detect the smallest of cues, but can't hear the rhythmic drums of the jungle society around them.

  2. I don't know who I am. I think I'm a relatively intelligent girl who likes baggy sweaters and laughing and is still trying to figure out if being selfish is right or wrong. I know who I am around Katlyn, though-- I'm the awkward yet laid-back friend who complains about assignments and is always confused. I know who I am around my brother-- I am that annoying, overbearing, terrible older sister no one wants. I know who I am around Brad-- I'm the over-kill liberal who likes to debate, but isn't willing to make a scene for it. I know these things, but not who I am around myself.

  3. I hate parties. I can't stand the rhythmic drums of the terrible music filling my lungs like smoke or syrup. It's dark; I can't see the friend who dragged me along in the first place to see how I'm supposed to act.

  4. Sometimes I wonder if the friends who have tied my foreign branch onto their blooming trees did it for shits and giggles-- or did I graft one of their branches onto my Frankenstein of a tree? Who can really tell anymore?

  5. Alyssa's face twitches when she doesn't agree with something. She won't say anything. Nicole's left hand slides off the table in excitement when she's about to say something. I know how to say just the right things to get Kimberly to double over with laughter; a nice change of pace from her normal stony expression. Instead of learning useful social skills to find my Real Friends, I've only adapted to find anyone.

  6. I'm tired of being alone.

  7. I can't do anything about it. I can only watch and change my colors again and again, day after day, hour after hour, hoping this time they'll stick.

  8. I hate those Facebook posts that complain about fake bitches. Because I am a fake bitch-- maybe the fakest of them all. And us fake bitches have to stick together: something's gone wrong along the way and we never learned how to properly let our True Selves show or maybe we're all so tired of being alone that we do, say, be anything to get anyone to stay.

  9. I've decided masks and curtains are okay. No one else has to know the difference between the You you construct for them and the You you construct for yourself. I can't pull back the curtain and let everyone see Me because there's nothing to see-- and not in the sense that there is no curtain, but rather that I just don't know if there's anything there but an invisible reptile.

  10. Do you know what happens when you place a chameleon on a mirror? To make a long biology lesson short, it really stresses them out-- they don't understand how there can be another version of themselves sitting right there that they can't quite reach. 

  11. Sometimes I want to shoot my chameleon between the stupid, all-seeing eyes... but to do so would be social suicide. Maybe one day the curtain will fall, the mask will shatter, and the chameleon will stop changing colors. But... not today.

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