Rows upon rows of tennis shoes jumped and played around,

sweet voices and laughter filled the air.

Eyeballs were everywhere, observing, absorbing, deducing, condemning.

not one thing was left unseen: not the scuff on a shoe, nor the kid without a

sound.

 

And all the pairs of puny, peering eyes

tore straight through my innocent disguise. 

my converse were vocal in all my endeavors, 

you could hear all the adventures, and pain, and secrets

not even my parents knew.

my lips were sealed with fear.

(trauma revealed would cause me to be labeled and teased)

 

Crying solved nothing, tears merely stained my cheeks. like a red alarm calling

pairs of eyeballs to scan my brokenness. to see the shaggy walls, to mess with 

my shifty pieces.

 

Holding on to the idea that it was a dream-- a nasty, unnnecessary, irrelevant dream--

nobody knew of the tale that haunted me. nobody had shoes that were not clean, at

least as far as the naked eye could see.

 

Once high school commenced, the feelings were depressive and the fear was

intense. inside my heart sank and my mind would rot

while replaying the incident scene by scene.

 

i am not innocent and nobody knows why.

they have never seen these joyful eyes cry.

the truth must come out and i need someone to listen but

i don't want to share the reason why.

 

Understanding that my visions were reality brought me to my knees. kneeling 

before the hundreds of eyes that surrounded me, begging for mercy as my mind

manufactured ridiculing malices; alas the root of my insecurity was discovered.

 

The shoes i wore had their share of scratches and patches and been taken advantage

of.

 

the thoughts i bore were calamitous but caused by my own hand. 

the eyes that dug knives into my soul were not weapons at all. they were searching.

seeking to save me from the entangled web of uncertainty and doubt, the cloud of

insecurity and shame. 

 

no one said i was to blame when my words started working. 

 

Grace poured out from the hearts of the ones whose eyes were soft and caring. the 

negativity that oozed from the memories faded into the past.

Every word that spilled from my lips was like sweet oil that soothed my aching

soul. 

The conversations that i had caused the burden of secrecy and the fear of judgement

to melt away.

 

How nice it is to see that behind the eyes that stare back at me are human beings.

not everyone is dangerous, i am reminded. 

Ears exist to listen. 

Love exists to be shared.

Please, look at my shoes: my converse are dirty. i am unashamed to admit that 

i was hurting. look at me now. i am thriving and living a life without regret. i am

thankful for so much; especially for that conversation with a friend.