'2019' 'recovery' 'mental health' mental motivation

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I feel a great many things at any given  moment. Which, I suppose, should be better than when I used to feel  a great deal of nothing; emptiness. // However, during the time
One two three four                                         There's a stranger at my door Five six seven eight                                                             It's a ghost made of hate
Alone. That's what I am. As I stare off into space my body becomes one with the mattress-- A feeling that I know all too well. No one to feel. No one to see. No one to talk to. Nowhere to go.
When I'm home in my cotton coffin I look up at that familiar crack in my ceiling The one I look at every single day It's ingrained in my mind now From how many times I've stared at it And from how long.
You ask me to tell you when I realized I was growing up Well that’s a complicated question Cause I can say I was forced to grow up the moment my father decided to molest me from ages 5 to 13
I started in a nest, My messy hair stayed a mess. My Mom always knew I could not follow rules. I tried to touch the sky Long before I could fly. I cherished giggles and fun
When he looks at me With those eyes all of my worries, just seem to roll right by with a flick of that smile and a slick,wet tongue when he licks my hands the light in my brain turns on
something isn’t right. i have bullet holes, but they aren’t from fights. i got stab wounds, something isn’t right.   i got these tattoos when all i saw was blurred lines.
i love you. i’m in love with you. you ruined every bit of happiness i thought i could try to have and now without you, i’m scared i won’t be able to be who i am or who i want to be...
i told you i loved you, you said i wasn’t good enough. you keep telling me i’m not shit, i’m not ever going to be shit— but i put myself out there for you anyways. i tried to change and readjust for you.
this pain is mentally and physically taxing, but it’ll never be reimbursed for it. try to name another bitch that’s been through what I’ve been. try to name a bitch that has been by my side through all of it.  
 nobody is going to rescue you. i’m stupid for thinking that hero could have been me. but who saves the hero when the hero is getting beat? 
the same motherfuckers that only come around when i was winning— are the same motherfuckers that stomp me when i’m apologizing and i’m sorry. i’m sorry that i can’t be who i want to be.
i don’t believe in god anymore because when i needed him the most— he never answered me. i used to try to pray the pain away,
i lie there on the floor, stripped from my clothes, naked, bare. i feel cold. i can't move. i cant rise up off the floor.
I have held you in so close Hid you from the world  Cried and carried your name Feared your publicity and how you started to become bigger and better And it seems like you aren't the same  
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