One pink line, and a second very faint
bus as I am at work; I must show restraint
thoughts of abortion, perhaps birth and adoption?
Swirl my mind as I search for options.
You see I am twenty one, your daddy thirty
we are not ready for a baby - false positive? I plea
another test confirms that you’re on your way
your father and I curse that day
the day we chose pleasure over protection
we had left sense at behind in the height of affection
unknowingly you had formed inside of me,
i would take a guess and say you’re no bigger than a pea.
my mind was racing, many women would kill
for the baby I have been gifted, even if not at will
am I being ungrateful?
my womb has created a baby to cradle
I was leaning toward finding you a new
mummy and daddy with a love so true
then I had my very first scan and knew you were
mine, never have I loved so intensely it sent me into a blurr
i cried when I saw your little miracle body
only then did I see that you were truly somebody
not an embryo, not a foetus but my child
with tearful eyes all I could do was look and smile
in hindsight i wish I had not been so busy looking at you
maybe then I would have seen the sonographers expression turn blue
there should be a visible heartbeat
even if it was ever so discreet
the next few minutes were a blur
I would never get to feel you stir
within my womb
once your home; now your tomb
you had died which had gone unnoticed
now even though during our time together we weren’t the closest
I cannot express the immediate pain
I felt knowing you were gone, and only I was to blame
i’d considered abortion, I did it, it was me
I was the reason you would never come to be
filled with guilt, sadness, resentment
i became void of happiness and the pain came with vengeance.
I didn’t feel like I was allowed to grieve
but the bond I felt for you in that moment I couldn’t believe
you were my heart, body and soul in that beautiful minute
then it all came tumbling down knowing your life had a limit
a few days pass, I awaited your ejection
i had hoped you would slip by without detection
but alas 3am rolled around and after incredible pain I passed
you in my bed, you were small, frail and formed. My love for you was vast.
i cleaned you off as best I could, your tiny frame
sat lifeless on my fingertips, my baby, begging for a name
in that moment, I felt the sadness and grief times a million
as there you were, my tiny baby surrounded by vermilion.
I couldn’t clear all the blood
I just watched you and felt the tears fall like a great flood
I regretted ever questioning my love for you
I wish I didn’t have to meet you this way, your body with that purple hue.
My sweetest little baby, I buried you today
Within the woods in which I used to play
after many tries I managed to lay you peacefully to rest
Feeling my heart breaking in my chest
my darling baby, you changed it all
i may never see you crawl
I may never hear your voice
and in that, I have no choice
If I had my way, you would still be within me
growing, swirling, around thriving. But you were meant to be free
so my tiny little Aiko, spread those wings and fly
but please don’t forget me, this is not goodbye.
Until we meet again my baby, the missing piece
of my heart. The part I didn’t know I needed, please be at peace.
Mummy loves you more than you could know
even though you weren’t intended my love for you will only grow