You changed it all

One pink line, and a second very faint 

bus as I am at work; I must show restraint

thoughts of abortion, perhaps birth and adoption? 

Swirl my mind as I search for options. 

 

You see I am twenty one, your daddy thirty

we are not ready for a baby - false positive? I plea

another test confirms that you’re on your way 

your father and I curse that day 

 

the day we chose pleasure over protection

we had left sense at behind in the height of affection 

unknowingly you had formed inside of me,

i would take a guess and say you’re no bigger than a pea. 

 

my mind was racing, many women would kill 

for the baby I have been gifted, even if not at will 

am I being ungrateful? 

my womb has created a baby to cradle 

 

I was leaning toward finding you a new

mummy and daddy with a love so true 

then I had my very first scan and knew you were 

mine, never have I loved so intensely it sent me into a blurr

 

i cried when I saw your little miracle body

only then did I see that you were truly somebody 

not an embryo, not a foetus but my child 

with tearful eyes all I could do was look and smile 

 

in hindsight i wish I had not been so busy looking at you 

maybe then I would have seen the sonographers expression turn blue 

there should be a visible heartbeat 

even if it was ever so discreet 

 

the next few minutes were a blur

I would never get to feel you stir 

within my womb 

once your home; now your tomb

 

you had died which had gone unnoticed 

now even though during our time together we weren’t the closest 

I cannot express the immediate pain 

I felt knowing you were gone, and only I was to blame 

 

i’d considered abortion, I did it, it was me 

I was the reason you would never come to be 

filled with guilt, sadness, resentment 

i became void of happiness and the pain came with vengeance. 

 

I didn’t feel like I was allowed to grieve 

but the bond I felt for you in that moment I couldn’t believe 

you were my heart, body and soul in that beautiful minute 

then it all came tumbling down knowing your life had a limit 

 

a few days pass, I awaited your ejection 

i had hoped you would slip by without detection 

but alas 3am rolled around and after incredible pain I passed

you in my bed, you were small, frail and formed. My love for you was vast. 

 

i cleaned you off as best I could, your tiny frame 

sat lifeless on my fingertips, my baby, begging for a name 

in that moment, I felt the sadness and grief times a million

as there you were, my tiny baby surrounded by vermilion. 

 

I couldn’t clear all the blood 

I just watched you and felt the tears fall like a great flood 

I regretted ever questioning my love for you 

I wish I didn’t have to meet you this way, your body with that purple hue. 

 

My sweetest little baby, I buried you today 

Within the woods in which I used to play 

after many tries I managed to lay you peacefully  to rest 

Feeling my heart breaking in my chest 

 

my darling baby, you changed it all

i may never see you crawl 

I may never hear your voice 

and in that, I have no choice 

 

If I had my way, you would still be within me

growing, swirling, around thriving. But you were meant to be free 

so my tiny little Aiko, spread those wings and fly

but please don’t forget me, this is not goodbye. 

 

Until we meet again my baby, the missing piece

of my heart. The part I didn’t know I needed, please be at peace. 

Mummy loves you more than you could know

even though you weren’t intended my love for you will only grow 

 

 

This poem is about: 
Me

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