It’s funny that late at night, I spend hours changing the design of my blog.

It’s funny that sometimes I wonder if you notice the little changes I make:

My photo

My theme

My username

My url

It’s funny that when I start to type in my url, your blog comes up first, in the suggestion box.

It’s funny that I have visited your blog so many times, that i have your url memorized.

It’s funny that sometimes, I click on your url, even if that wasn’t what I had intended to do.

It’s funny that I do this more than sometimes. I do this most of the time in fact.

 

And it’s sad that I do this even though I know that it’s kind of creepy, and that I have no right, and that it hurts.

It’s sad that I think about you in every other thought that I have.

It’s sad that I wonder what you would think about the guy that asked me out yesterday, or the fact that I had cake pops for breakfast 3 days last week, or the fact that I have 5 different kinds of Starbucks ice-cream in my freezer, or the fact that I haven’t done a single thing that could be described as productive at all over break.

It’s sad that I want you - or should I say, still want you, after you made it clear that we were never going to be anything more than glances from the edges of a crowd.

It’s sad that I look for you in a crowd.

It’s sad that I often wonder if you look for me too.

 

And it’s despicable, that I daydream about rescuing you from a bad relationship.

It’s horrible that sometimes I wish she would break your heart.

It’s heinous that I wish she would make a mistake, any mistake

It’s vile that I fantasize that your friends wouldn’t be there for you, so that you need someone to talk to.

It’s unforgivable; some of the thoughts that I have about you.

 

And I’m ashamed to admit these things.

I’m ashamed to think them at all.

I’m ashamed of the feelings that I have.

I’m ashamed that I can’t control these feelings.

I’m ashamed that I cannot explain them either.

 

And I feel for you.

That’s all I know.