Doctor tells me these words, "You have Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy."
"This means that your heart muscles are too weak to support you."
He prescribes me another seven medications and sends me on my way.
At home, I get curious,
What is this strange thing of which my all knowing doctor spoke?
So I Google it.
Wikipedia tells me that the failing use of my two bottom
Heart muscles is what's causing my symptoms.
That this disease is named after a
Japanese octopus trap.
That because emotional stress can cause it,
It's also called Broken Heart Syndrome.
All I know is that my heart is supposed to be
The strongest muscle in my body.
All I know is that Japanese people
Have great animation but major freaky porn.
All I know is that my heart may bend under the pressure
Of a million pounds of lead, but has never been broken.
I am told by Doctor that I am to rest in bed 65% of time,
Sleep not included.
And that I must not, under any circumstance bend down.
I lasted about two hours.
You might think, not thinking about it consciously,
That one could not possibly need to bend down so often.
I counted, I needed to bend down seven times in one day,
Five of which times I was home alone.
I need to cook, I need to clean, I need to do stuff.
I have a husband and two children, well,
You might as well say three children,
Who need me to do things,
Who depend on me.
I already have pains galore, but I thought I could rely on my heart.
See, I've always had problems with it, my trusted muscle.
But my heart always came through.
When I broke both my hips as a child.
When I had two miscarriages.
When I was at high risk of death in my first pregnancy,
When I had to go into surgery 19 days after my daughter was born.
When I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis.
During my drug addiction.
My heart and I always came out victorious.
I can feel my heart beating all the time,
Night and day, it's there.
Especially at night, when all is quiet,
When lights are out and the only sounds
Are cats in the street fighting or making love.
I can hear my heart beating.
Bum-bum, bum-bum.
Sometimes it doesn't sound exactly right,
Sometimes a beat is skipped or a beat comes too soon.
But the only thing that has always been concrete
Is that my heart beats, it does its job,
However badly it does it,
However poor an employee my heart is,
It gets the job done.
So when my doctor tells me that my heart is failing,
When he tells me my heart is not doing better but worse,
I can only look him square in the eye and say,
"Listen here doctor-man, and listen good,
My heart might be the equivalent of a
Man who sits on a couch and does nothing
But drink his paycheck and eat cheetos.
I might not have gone to a million years of school at
Some fancy all-ivy college.
I might not know Latin and understand all the fancy
Lingo you and your colleagues seem so proud of.
Heck, I'm sure I'm not nearly as smart as you
And I'm okay with that.
But I will not stand here and let you tell me
That my heart is failing.
Because just like that man who sits around and drinks all day,
My heart is there when I need it.
That man makes sure his family are safe and loved
As far as he can.
And my heart makes sure I can do all the things I need to do,
Including driving myself here to see you."
I let him know, I assure you,
That my heart does what it needs to,
It beats.