They said we could change our stars and cut a new path through the the thickest mistakes. 

They said we could be better but never worse. 

They said we could be anything but this–ashamed adults, pre-soaked in faith and obedience. 

They never said we would become this–young and hopeless, trying to replicate successes like hourglass shaped factories. 

 

Like rolled dough and a flour dusted glass 

cutting perfectly round biscuits. 

We double dutch over trouble 

swing and bounce 

while we watch exaltation and damnation 

loop over and under 

until they blur into one brown eyed girl

 

I've hopscotched over better women to get to lesser men

I've skipped rocks over my own convictions to impress snakes and their wallets

I've hula hooped with my mother's pride and the rhythm of my hips

under men and control top pantyhose alike

couldn't keep up with the demands of her love. 

 

I'm closer to the ground than I am to the little girl I wish I still was

I've made myself small for men 

who asked for everything but my heart

 

I won't be number three or number four 

number doesn't-count-because we never said three or four words that really mattered

the tiny sentences that change lives and fuse souls. 

 

I won't be and I know he won't make me be a woman I can't remember fondly. 

He's already made a liar out of me.

Cunning omissions and declarations to replace 

the screaming of my heart. 

 

"I miss you" is incomplete. 

Missing you is kicking for the surface as hard as I can,

seeing the warped sun above me 

seeing a bottomless cold below me. 

 

"I like you" is a lie. 

I like waffles, and cold sheets. 

I like cadmium red paint and Japanese Maples in the fall. 

I like coffee with real cream and I really really like cello music. 

But you–you are words that I can't even whisper 

in the darkest rooms or widest openest spaces. 

 

You are a romantic language that I learned under duress 

and self-medicated to forgot

I never realized just how much I remembered until you. 

 

I never realized just how much I needed–not someone like you–just you. 

 

I think the words,

louder than shotguns in my own head 

I want to cuff your ears so that you won't think them too. 

I think of more lies to bury a truth that could change us, control us.