I never seen a crowd so far from me
It was always my  suicidal thoughts enclosing me
It was like my clothing
Always on me

The cries of me with a knife

Not understanding how to hold it

The thoughts of me trying to end my own life

Not even able to begin it
I never seen my parents so far from me
It’s like depression only creeps in when no one is near me

The shallow breaths of the way depression holds me

I never knew it was coming to me

The odds of having depression being so close to me

And they not knowing that it's  not me

Makes my depression seek and try to fulfill me

With torment of thoughts that I couldn’t even think  

To pause

To breathe

To not feel so empty
I never seen my siblings so far from me
It’s like my body is  only giving to people that want to take me

But they never  hear my screams and pleas

Never hearing my begging to stop

But I don’t even know if i;m screaming

If i’m begging

But i know they see the tear that cascades down my skin

Never drops but only descends

I know they can see

I know they can see I don’t want them to take me

To feel me without my consent

That's why I worry to tell my family

Wondering if they’ll say “Why didn’t you run?”

I always thought I would run from those situations

But it was too much for me

Nobody ever noticing how I shake and shiver

When a male touches me

How I jump at the sounds of a male coming behind me

Do they not see it ?

My fears of men

My fears of my body

My thoughts saying to do men

To cope in the feels of someone hand

Maybe that will stop their demands

But they never see

Why can’t they see that i’ve been broken and beaten into submission ?

Or did I already submit to it already ?

I wonder if they’ll ask me

I wonder if they’ll ask the questions about why I didn’t do anything

Why i didn’t say stop

I don’t think they’ll take an I was shocked

That it could be someone so close to me

Harrassing me

But they never see

They never see what he did to me

How he traumatized

Why can’t they see  ?

Why can’t they see the pain i am inhabiting within ?

Is my smiling so good they can’t see i’m pretending?
I never seen my family so far from me
I’m always wondering what’s wrong with me
My eyes too cold to see the pain I feel
My eyes so open to understand the distance
To understand that their never close to me
Never trying to peep in to wonder what’s wrong with me ?
Or can they even see it ?
Does my smiling overshadow the pain that I can’t even begin to breathe in
Can they even see what they made 17 years ago and understand that I’m not me anymore
My thoughts aren’t  mine anymore
My feelings swiped away with just only misery to accompany me
My body stolen from me
Can they even see through my messed up smile
Can they even see ?
Do I want them to see ?
I wonder if they saw what I see and what I know will they judge me ?
like how my thoughts do
Like how my feelings do
Like how my body does
Will they judge me ?
Or maybe they won’t ever see me
Maybe they won’t ever see my cries for them
Or my want for them to see me
My hope for them to understand me
To not judge me for what I could have done
And what I should have done
But for what I’m trying to do
But I don’t think they’ll ever see
So I’ll just let my thoughts keep enclosing in on me
My depression to keep creepin
And my body to be taken
Because they’ll never see

What’s absolutely wrong with me