Pain and love

I wish I could separate the two but I don’t want to

Because sometimes this pain is the only thing connecting me to you

The distance doesn’t matter because the pain is always the same

It’s like a drill being placed on my chest and every time it sees you it starts turning burying deeper and deeper inside me.

And this pain is because of love, because I already lost you but I never lost these feelings for you

I love the fact that you’re happy but it hurts cuz it’ll never be with me

I’m jealous of the fact that it’s him even though he’s a mirror of me

I hate the fact that it’s him that reaches your mind first even when you never left mine

I’m angry that you never told me about him, yet I’m fearful of everything else you could be hiding

I’m terrified at the thought of losing you

I’m hoping it ends but I’m praying it doesn’t

It’s like my mind is going to war with itself emotions are charging logic and logic is charging emotions but they’re both being flanked by regret and they all surrender to you...

My words become blurred and my vision becomes slurred and my actions become quiet and my thoughts are screaming

Why is it him?

The eyes that I know are fixed on someone else

The smile that I love is caused by someone else

The laugh that I can sense is because of someone else

The touch that is so enticing is for someone else

The tears that this drill is activated by is being controlled by someone else

But this love for you … this love… no one else comes close … to how I love you

But I am the reason that kept me from loving you

I am the only one that understands

I am the only one that wont stop trying

I am the only one with a hole in his heart

Because I refuse to let go of a love for someone that will never be more than my imagination

Because my actions were left only in my imagination

This love is real … but so is this pain…

I don’t know what else to say

…. But I miss you 


Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741