Why,why.why

Always asking why

And my question is why should I tell you?

I don’t owe you anything

And I especially don’t owe you an answer

I barely know you!

My question is how dare you

You have no idea how personal

How intrusive

How disrespectful

that ‘why’ is

it’s rude, it’s ignorant and fucking annoying

so stop

***

the worst aren’t the strangers, the nosey classmates, or even the “concerned” adults

it’s the friends

the one’s you’re supposed to trust

the ones who are supposed to know everything about you

it’s when they find out

and they ask why

why you did it, and why you still do it

that’s the worst

because when you can finally bring yourself to look them in the eye

and you’re expecting to see judgment, disgust, and scorn

all you see is love

love and concern

 for you

and the sincerity in that ‘why’

is so real, so genuine

that it just tears you apart

***

because I don’t know

I’m sorry but I really don’t

Maybe at the time it just felt right

And I know it sounds crazy to you

To anyone

But, it made me feel better

It helped  me

When I was thinking about things

when everyone was expecting  me to give 200%

when I had to be perfect

it got to be too much

I was scared, I was overwhelmed

And I started retreating back into my head

Because I just couldn’t take it anymore

I thought I was just gonna explode

I started fading

I was nothing

I couldn’t feel anything

I can’t feel anything

***

and it’s that little spark

it grounds me,

and it reassures me that I’m still here

it gives me  comfort in knowing that I’m ok

even in if it’s just in that moment

***

so when you ask me ‘why’

I don’t have an answer for you

Not now in the light of day

With a smile on my face, and a skip in my step

It’s what goes on behind closed doors

It’s what happens at the dark of night

When I wake up screaming

Again

And it happens

Again

I freak out, I start to fade

I feel like I’m dying

***

that’s when you’ll understand

when that’s the thing that brings me back

when for the first time in years I don’t cry myself to sleep

all because of that little thing

that little spark

that keeps me going

that’s why