why
Why,why.why
Always asking why
And my question is why should I tell you?
I don’t owe you anything
And I especially don’t owe you an answer
I barely know you!
My question is how dare you
You have no idea how personal
How intrusive
How disrespectful
that ‘why’ is
it’s rude, it’s ignorant and fucking annoying
so stop
***
the worst aren’t the strangers, the nosey classmates, or even the “concerned” adults
it’s the friends
the one’s you’re supposed to trust
the ones who are supposed to know everything about you
it’s when they find out
and they ask why
why you did it, and why you still do it
that’s the worst
because when you can finally bring yourself to look them in the eye
and you’re expecting to see judgment, disgust, and scorn
all you see is love
love and concern
for you
and the sincerity in that ‘why’
is so real, so genuine
that it just tears you apart
***
because I don’t know
I’m sorry but I really don’t
Maybe at the time it just felt right
And I know it sounds crazy to you
To anyone
But, it made me feel better
It helped me
When I was thinking about things
when everyone was expecting me to give 200%
when I had to be perfect
it got to be too much
I was scared, I was overwhelmed
And I started retreating back into my head
Because I just couldn’t take it anymore
I thought I was just gonna explode
I started fading
I was nothing
I couldn’t feel anything
I can’t feel anything
***
and it’s that little spark
it grounds me,
and it reassures me that I’m still here
it gives me comfort in knowing that I’m ok
even in if it’s just in that moment
***
so when you ask me ‘why’
I don’t have an answer for you
Not now in the light of day
With a smile on my face, and a skip in my step
It’s what goes on behind closed doors
It’s what happens at the dark of night
When I wake up screaming
Again
And it happens
Again
I freak out, I start to fade
I feel like I’m dying
***
that’s when you’ll understand
when that’s the thing that brings me back
when for the first time in years I don’t cry myself to sleep
all because of that little thing
that little spark
that keeps me going
that’s why