Cover me up, hide my flaws, hide the truth burning behind
my green pools of fire
that don’t crease when I smile.
My anatomy teacher once taught us
that it isn’t a real smile
Unless your eyes crease.
Who am I?
The infamous question that
Digs into my skin
Burrows deep in my heart,
Burns scars onto my soul.
A perfect disguise for the perfect fear that we all feel.
Fear of each other, fear of the future, but mostly fear of ourselves.
Fear that we are not good enough,
Fear that everyone is better than us,
Fear of being Judged, Misunderstood, Hurt.
We filter our photographs, our posts, our thoughts, our reality.
We filter in fear of someone
realizing who we truly are.
Fear that tangles, strangles, suffocates
my every thought and word and action.
A filter is a two way mirror— I can see out
But you cannot see in.
A filter is a disguise, a trick, a defense
from the world and from the truth.
Fix my face, fix my body, fix myself and fix my life.
Filter, filter, filter
hide, cover, pretend
Pretending turns into forgetting
Who I am
Who I want to be.
I am a product of the fear that attacks me every morning
Before I take my medicine
and every night
Before I shut my eyes and decide the day is over.
I am afraid of the boy with the blue eyes, the blonde hair, and the innocent smile.
He loved me and I could not love him back.
Filter my love, my thoughts, my emotions
For fear of the boy with the blue eyes realizing who I am and, even worse
Who I am not.
Crazy, bipolar, depressed
Take these pills
Talk to this therapist
Control your breathing, control your emotions, control your anxiety.
Chokes, drowns, rips apart everything you thought you once were.
Once you were you, you were the girl with a fire burning behind your eyes
A fire that could not be stomped out, washed out, or weakened
Now you are just a filter
Hiding your flaws, your truth, your heart.
Heartless, cold, apathetic.
They don’t see past the filter that protects you.
It is your shield, your wall
Tear me down, I scream
Rip me apart, I cry
for someone to burn my walls down
Remove this FILTER
of make-believe, fake flawlessness.
I am not flawless,
the left eye that is smaller than the right
the strangely shaped belly button
the insatiable craving for late night cereal
the 32 A and the size 6
the depression, the mood swings, the anxiety
the girl with the fire burning behind her green eyes.
Remove my filter
and you will see
I am my flaws
My flaws are me.