Smiles, jokes, laughter, and joy.
That’s what they see.
But there’s a monster brewing inside.
Lurking just beneath the surface.
I keep pushing him deeper and deeper inside.
Hoping he’ll return to the cage I built so many years ago.
Sometimes it’s a person or an event that summons him.
Unlike most inner demons though, he doesn’t claw at the surface.
My demise is not his goal.
No. He treasures my heart and mind from within.
Like a dragon in his lair guarding the treasure he worked so hard for.
He whispers to me, ever so cunningly.
He speaks of the isolation, hate, hurt, sorrow, and self-worth.
He longs for my blood as atonement for wrongs done unto him.
On occasion he rejoices as he watches it drip from my wounds.
Injuries from “accidents” or “work” or “unknown causes”.
But we know why.
Sometimes a crafty thief betrays his hospitality and takes a jewel.
That leaves only hollowness, as the monster searches for the lost treasure.
His crude attempts at reinstallation of the treasure leave only desolation.
But the people don’t understand him though.
Hate and distrust are all that he knows.
A never-ending stream of people who would “never leave him”,
Who would “always be there for him”,
Who would “never steal from him”,
“Never lie to him”,
Who “loved him”,
Who he trusted,
Who would “never hurt him”.
But who all left him lying numb on the unfeeling, frigid ground of his cavern.
Each one admiring their addition to the blood splatters blades in his back.
Abhorrently he steals away into the shadows.
Retreating into isolation and trying to take me with him.
He builds walls within to block the people out.
He reminds me of the torture they’ve put me through.
I both loathe him and love him.
He is a part of me. A broken puzzle piece trying to fit in.
Yet in his morose attempts at protection and detachment there is hope.
Not the kind of hope that believes in change.
But the kind that wishes for it knowing it’ll never come.
I pity the monster within, but he restricts me from freedom.
Keeping my heart and mind caged in the darkness with him,
Waiting for my hero with the key.
But no one wants to free me for they fear him.
They flee at the mere mention of him.
So I continue smiling, making jokes, laughing, and feigning joy.
Hiding the vile beast from them and hoping he doesn’t frighten them away.