What I never told my teachers

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I never told you that I never had my mom sign my planner because I didn’t want her to hit me when she saw I got a B

I never told you that I never had my dad sign the check on time because he spent all our money on women who weren’t my mommy

I never told you that I didn’t want to take my coat off because I felt so ugly

And I didn’t want you to see the marks

I never explained that I didn’t want to make friends because I didn’t want more people to hurt me

I never told you that people were only nice to me if they wanted to get something from me

They only held me if they wanted to get something more

I never explained that even though I tested into the 99th percentile I didn’t believe I could be anything more than a stripper

Working for people like my daddy

I never told you that when I asked “Are monsters real?” I wasn’t talking about the ones kids worry about underneath their bed

I was talking about the voices inside my mind

Telling me I wasn’t good enough

You were one of them

I never explained that the reason I drew pictures and sang instead of doing math or reading books was because it was the only thing that numbed the pain

I never told you that the reason I was so tired was because I wasn’t allowed to eat because my dad told me I was fat

And my mom agreed

I never explained that I lied so much because it was the only way I knew how to protect myself

I never told you that I spent all my time in the nurses office because my tummy hurt

Because they touched me and I didn’t want them to

But I thought it was the only way I could make people like me

I never told you how much it hurt that all the other kids get to go home after school to a house

Where they didn’t have to be afraid

And it’s not fair that you called me lazy

Or told me to try harder

I never fucking told you that all I wanted was somebody to tell me I was good enough

That it was going to be okay

That’s the shit I never said

I never asked for anything

 

I’ve never been one to look for pity

Or allow myself to be a victim

I’m not going to label myself a survivor

I just wanted to be good enough

I just wanted someone to be proud of me

But I’ve learned now that I really just want to be me

Because I thought that I was just a stupid little girl who cried too much and couldn’t make anybody happy

And you thought I was just a lazy little girl who was throwing away her potential

And my parents thought I was just a naughty little girl who didn’t care about anybody other than herself

But now I know I’m so much more

I write poetry

I make music

And I have dreams just like any of the other little kids in that class

So this is me

Finally telling you all the shit that that little girl didn’t know how to handle

And asking for acceptance

 

Comments

Miszunderstud

This is so amazing and beautiful and so heartfelt. I am inspired.

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