I believe I have figured it out.

How could I want to die, it is phenomenal that we breathe.

We are built out of cells, each becoming our own individual living, breathing being.

Life is a phenomenon. It shouldn't be wasted.

 

I don't want to be angry. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy.

It's not that I want to die, but that I want that part of me to die.

The part of me that is angry, angry at myself, taking it out on the world.

Throwing fire at everyone, innocent people who don't deserve it.

I want the part of me to die that wants to hurt those who hurt me.

Random bursts of emotion, usually anger and sadness. Defensive all the time. Sarcasm, my best friend.

I take it all out on the world to show the universe, show that I won't put up with the shit I have been dealt.

But really am I putting up with it, or shutting it out?

 

Voices don't live in my head. I thought I was crazy but I am not.

I have been shutting out bad thoughts for so long, I couldn't tell the difference between the good thoughts and the bad.

Now that I am letting them in, they are strange.

Thoughts are loud because they are foreign.

I never had to think, because I said everything I thought.

Now I am starting to remember, remember all the different thoughts.

Why I used to get distracted so easily, because I would lose myself in the world of my mind.

Each emotion, a different voice. But not a voice, it's all just me.

 

Love is irrelevant. I hate the idea of it, but I pine for it.

Not just any old love, to be in love with him. For him to love me again.

Forbidden love, as he loves someone else.

I hurt him so much, you couldn't believe it was possible.

Which I have anger for. Hating myself for hurting somone who was so caring towards me.

But it is in the past, and that is that.

All I can do is make sure to not lose anyone that unique, individual, and extraordinary every again.

I'm not going to wait around. Im going to get up and run. 

Run with joy, chase the laughter, love. I'm going to enjoy life.

 

Art is my escape. But really all it does is temporarily douse the flame. The anger inside me.

What is this really about? It is about the fact that I shut my emotions down, I don't allow them in.

To step forward I need to let go. To let go, I need to let in the emotions.

Art numbs me, but it is all fake. I fake the art, I fake the emotion.

I have always had trust issues, but I need to trust the pencil, trust the brush, trust the paint. Trust myself.

I'm not broken. I don't have depression. 

I just have trust issues. 

It all comes down to trust. Trusting in myself. I am smart, and logical.

I know what I am doing.

I just need to follow the following steps.

 

1) Breath

2) Trust

3) Go