When I look at you I see freedom
I see a future and a path
which could lead me to a happiness
I've only ever dreamt about.
The girl who bites her tongue
who hates her skin and her mind,
who curses her name,
but you make my name sound
so pure, so angelic,
so beautiful, so romantic,
that I forget my name
for a brief moment's respite I am no one
but the girl who made you smile
the only moniker I'll ever need.
I loathe the reality I'm left with
when your smile fades and alone
again I'm shackled.
No, mother, I'm sorry I have an edge
I'm sorry, I know I cannot be angry
I'm sorry, I know I cannot speak my mind.
No, father, for you I have no words.
I have no respite from your cursed mind
which damns the world, with me along
to the bloody depths of hell.
I'm sorry to the people
who expect me to smile in pain
who want me to succeed in the face
of an adversary I have no care to beat
who want me to swallow my words
to choke on my tears
and to use my thoughts like a noose
and hang myself with them.
But you cut that rope,
allow my thoughts to run free,
my true words to flow.
You never tell me to bite my tongue
or hold my breath until I'm blue
just so I won't say an insulting word,
you who has burned so many barriers down.
But the final barrier I've built myself
I have no one to blame but myself.
The barrier is in my own mind,
telling me I'm worthless and ugly
that I'm not good enough.
It whispers in my ear,
reminding me that you deserve better.
But then I hear your voice
telling me that I'm the best there is
and you wouldn't take me any other way,
that you take my craziness, my self-loathing,
my perfectionist ways, the way I can't smile properly
for a picture at the right time,
the way I laugh until I can't breathe
and you can't hear me anymore
expect for short, strange bursts.
But still I held up my barrier,
and yet little by little,
by your guidance and your grace
I'm letting them burn to the ground.
So that tomorrow when I see your smile,
you know the one,
not the grin that crinkles up your eyes,
although I do love that one,
but the coy half-smile where your eyes,
those deep brown pools turning almost black,
stare straight into mine, daring me.
Tomorrow I will be free to accept your dare.