Trains of Past Thoughts

I think I slept through the first half of this year –

I can barely remember the way my hands fiddled waiting for

college acceptances. At my senior prom, I slow-danced

with my crush. He told me he was joining the army

that fall.

the day of my graduation i won an award; lights

have never left me so blinded like the unexpected check i

received. My family screaming my name reminded me

of birds on Tuesday. Does anyone ever acknowledge birds

singing on a Tuesday morning?

One day in july, two weeks before

my eighteenth birthday,

I stood on my friend’s patio and watched

the sunrise. I thought about my

ex-boyfriend and the boy less than twenty feet

away from me who’s hands yearned for another

girl. my ex and that boy have the same name.

another thing I recognized when the orange and

pink sunrise lit my skin up was how i

was packing all my belongings and moving away

from the big city to a large college town for school. how

my major would change from

creative writing in to


I consider myself full of unsolvable questions and

interesting observations about the life i surround

myself with. I wanted to fit in with the

movies, the pictures, the girls

who talk to their true loves about the world –

they reach for clouds, fingers loose like

my identity. I don’t look up to

those girls anymore. They were realistic


In the middle of December my

small feet ambled off a bus and

onto the streets of my city. The first

semester was over. I

looked around me – the

people have never looked so different. the

ground has never felt so much like

a cliff.

during my time away i made my own decisions,

my own mistakes. i did a lot that I shouldn’t have, kissed

a lot of boys I fantasized myself with, slept

in beds that weren’t mine.

being away from the city left me

internalizing everything I feel – i

stay to myself much more than I used

to. I write a lot less,

keep a lot more to myself. Still

figuring out if these people are my

family, my sisters.

 i don’t talk to a lot

of those people i knew in high school.

I missed my new friends already. but,

when i scroll through my phone

the only people i wanted to see were

those who joined me in july at

six in the morning,

chatting lightly and laughing, surrounding me,

letting me soak up their peace.

This poem is about: 


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