Don’t move, don’t breathe, don’t think, don’t act;
Think before you do, or something may go wrong.
You’ll mess up, you know you will.
That’s all you do.
This doesn’t feel right,
Nothing feels right.
Why are you so awkward and unflattering?
Surrounded by better, brighter, beautiful people,
Searching for eye contact trying to connect with someone, anyone,
and avoiding it out of embarrassment.
Sit, just sit and stay there, don’t bother anyone
Don’t stick out, stay calm and still.
I can’t, I can’t.
I’m going to crawl out of my skin.
This pent up energy digs into my bones
Demanding attention and burrowing its way into the marrow
Until finally I snap and my pen clicks or my foot taps or I run
Far, far away where it’s okay not to care.
You are confident and stoic,
Stop panicking and act like a normal human being.
I’m trying, I don’t know how.
What is normal
In a world full of specialties and talents?
Is the normal one boring or a freak?
Walk tall, fast, don’t stop to talk
Don’t look, don’t feel, don’t smile, don’t make a scene.
I’m so uncomfortable,
Like standing in front of a crowd on an empty stage,
Not even naked,
Just their eyes watching and judging and thinking
“What is she doing up there? She’s doesn’t belong.
“Somebody should tell her to come down.”
There is no crowd,
There are no people watching.
You are alone, as always,
And no one is paying attention to you, as always.
You are logical, and reasonable,
And these idle, poetic drabbles will get you nowhere.
I wanted to be a movie director.
Make something big and famous
And watch it on an enormous screen,
And finally be proud of something I created.
Something beautiful, something that touches people
Down to their soul and makes a home in their hearts.
But you aren’t.
Your major isn’t pointless or frivolous.
You will pretend that this is what you want to do.
You will smile and be happy.
I am so lonely.
I am not happy at all.
You will nod when they ask after your wellbeing,
Because you may not be good at much,
But you are an amazing actor.
I bow to my audience.
You sit, you stay, you don’t speak.
This is who you are.
This is who they think I am.
I am me,
And they will never know.