Three

This morning, my three year old sister ran through the halls in her princess pajamas and a cape wrapped around her head, while I nearly cried into my already soggy cereal.

What I wouldn't give to be three.

What I wouldn't give to not cry myself to sleep at night, to have people still read what I write, to have school not stressing me til my hair falls out in startlingly large chunks, to have friends who cared about my well being and didn't just take me in under their wing to have fun grinding someone to a pulp, to not have real life be merely two years away from me, to not have my dreams swallow me into darkness and spit me out into a house I don't know, to not have the world competing for the spot I want so badly at the uni that would make my parents proud, to not want to break the mirror every time I see it, to not wake up hourly in a pool of sweat that gets deeper after every time, to not feel the desire to have someone but push them away and make myself alone to save their well being, because they shouldn't have to spend their days worrying about me, they're better than I am, to not have to cover up my therapy visits with a stomachache bad enough to take me out of practice, to not have to battle fourteen day long periods, to not have my life planned down to the minute because I'm afraid of failing and being alone, to want someone who's dumb enough not to accept my pushing away and wants to know me for who I am, the overly nerdy, obnoxious girl who becomes overly devoted to shows and movies and people and has the capacity but not yet the emotional ability to treasure someone to the end of the earth, to not have to worry about who's smarter.

Enjoy the time while you have it, sis, it's something that won't last forever. Enjoy recess and dress up and dinosaur shaped grilled cheese sandwiches and your pictures on the fridge, before those pictures become the 64 you got on the math test, shamed because dad could get away with a failing grade, but you won't be able to escape punishment. Being smart means A+, no less.

What I wouldn't give to be three.

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