The Spectacular Now
"I love you, sweet heart"
No, you wanted me.
"You're my little girl"
No, I was your toy.
"I didn't hurt you"
Yes, you did.
"You're such a spaz"
I'm sorry, I just get excited.
"F*** off, just f*** off"
All I wanted to do was help.
"I don't like you anymore"
What did I do wrong?
You are not loved
You are not wanted
You are not beautiful
You are nothing
I am nothing...
It ricochets in my mind
The pain of it strangles my soul
Until I can no longer breathe--
Hope is lost in my smothered breath.
I put up my front
I say that I am happy
I say that nothing is wrong
But all I am doing
Is darkening their eyes
To the truth
I do cry
I do feel pain
I struggle every day
To get up in the morning
And say "I can do this"
I want them to see
That I can love
Because I have been hurt
That I can laugh
Because I have known great sadness
That I can live
Because I know what it is like
To feel
dead
I want to shout from the rooftops
"My past does not define
who I am right now"
I am no longer bound to the chains
Of my misfortunes and lables
In this now,
This spectacular now,
I am a girl
Who rejoices willingly, freely, openly
Who delights in guiding the colors
On a canvas
Who loves being captured
By every story read
That is me
Here I am
Standing before the window of
My soul
I can almost feel
The thick curtain veiling
Who I am
I grasp it
I tear it down--
Hiding is no longer an option
It is time to be me
The real me
And live in
The spectacular now.