all of my life, i heard shh, no, shh 

why is no easier to say for you than it was for me

?

i grew up with people telling me "shh"

creative ideas cut off; a girl shut in her room from a simple, three letter shh

a female, in a world of boys - a brother, his friends, her father, uncle and no one else

shh, don't worry

drunk family members & the one girl out of so many boys

is being a girl a genetic defect?

oh the boys get to sit up front

the boys go to college

the boys get the money

and the girls get to cook

i can't cook for sh*t

but, shh, honey, it's alright, one day you will learn

sweetheart, cutie, dear, baby

who knew being a girl came with so many titles

in school they say

shh, we can't hear charlie

we can't hear tommy

we don't want to hear carly

shh

high school

is louder

my voice becomes quiet

and even in the quiet

my ears just hear "shh"

ideas are for smart people

look at that gpa

look at those test scores

do you even try?

i just stay

shh

quiet

college is quiet

what is your name

what is your major

who are you

the shh becomes dimmer

and i become brighter

what is my name

what is my major

who am i

shh becomes ?

and shh becomes answers

and i can help

and i can change

the shh to a YES

and the shh

into NO

until who is he. he is love; he is grace; he is what i need

he loves me

he makes me smile

he makes me laugh 

and

he makes me stupid

he makes me "shh"

he steals my heart;

he steals my dignity;

he takes control;

he takes all of me

-

and breaks it

and says

"shh"

this is called r*pe

i go to the doctor

i go to the therapist

i go through the nightmares

i live in a world

that is not mine

it is his

grey is the color

carly is the name

tears are the substance

the substance of shame

school is a routine

and when people say

who are you

i say

carly

and i think

shh

i get on the drugs

i come back to earth

i put on my seatbelt

i grab the oh sh*t handle and get on this drive

it is NOT

r*pe

it is 

rape

i am NOT a

victim

i am a

survivor

and i will not

"shh"

i will 

YELL

i will 

SCREAM

i will say

NO 

to anyone who disagrees

and i will

help

those who need me

i

will graduate college

i 

will live my dreams

i 

will change the world

i

will change r*pe

to

RAPE

until i breathe my last breath

and my last breath 

will shatter to pieces

that ever-awful, ever present word:

"shh"