I used to think things in the world were backwards.
I thought nature had gotten things wrong.
Like why shadows had to fall behind us.
At one point all I wanted to do was hide where no one could see me.
Ever feel big and small at the same time?
Not big or small as in actual size.
Just metaphysically I guess.
You feel humungous,
Awkward and out of place.
Like your personal space takes up too much space.
You feel like everyone knows there’s an elephant in the room,
and it’s you.
Big in a sense of
feeling like a clumsy giant from another world
with whom other people just try to coexist-
like no one else alive is silly enough to make the blunders you make every day.
At the same time you feel so microscopic
you tiptoe around other people’s giant strides
like a tiny lonesome ant next to humans,
careful not to step on any toes.
You feel insignificant like no one really sees you,
so you become accustomed to not being seen.
You wish you could hide behind your own shadow.
I've been there.
But one day
Something changed in me
little by little and I can’t explain it.
I faced myself,
Starting with my reflection.
I studied my face, by each and every line
I acknowledged my eyes and my laugh and learned my own smile.
I sat alone relishing in my own thoughts
at my own intellect.
I started to speak up more and it took some time
but I came to enjoy the sound of my voice when I spoke with confidence.
I began to envision my happiness,
my smile when I’m so happy I can’t stop smiling
and now I believe everything happens in nature for a reason.
Shadows belong behind us and the sun shining bright before us.
Now when I feel big,
I feel alive, like I have a reason to be here,
even if I don’t know what it is yet.
I feel bright
bold and great.
Like I am the giant with every right to be big as the next person does.
But sometimes I do feel small
Only now I think about myself in the context of the world
and how important it is to believe in something bigger than myself at work,
even if I don’t know what it is.
Sometimes you have to see life from both shadows and light
to know how beautiful it feels to be under the sun
and to love and accept yourself,
whether you are alone or in a room full of people,
whether you’re feeling big or small.