No longer is there a self
Or even a persona you could call someone else
If there was ever a true self
He died long ago.
So the masked figure you see before you
Broadcasts lack of identity
Refusing weakness,
Carefully guarding my evilness and secrets.

The old me was carefree
Explicative, athletic
“You’ll never have to works about ED’s with me I remember telling a friend
biting into a big burger from our junior high cafeteria…
I love food too much,
Before I knew it, my collection of masks I used to show the perfect me began to crack unexpectedly.

Anorexia was clean, quiet and simple
Much easier to hide and not as costly
Bulimia was messy, loud and complicated
Costing relationships and your entire bank account
In the beginning, the crack remained small enough
Where I could still be productive and emote self control
The self harm stopped, the ED became its replacement
To handle the intense emotions rather than show racing thoughts occurring in my mind

Bulimia can quickly become an addiction.
The urge of needing to consume everything
Suppressing emotions and feelings
Filling the emptiness only to violently
Empty yourself out, getting g rid of all the unwanted you didn’t need.
Then comes the temporary soothing, numbing, calm
A false sense of a security blanket letting you believe you are in control again with an intense, sense, of relief.

Control in bulimia, is really synonymous with chaos. I longed to the days I could control my intake only for a few calories, even going to days without eating.
Regardless, food remains the enemy whether I’m in an anorexic or bulimic state of mind constantly trying to hide the repulsive, evil, greedy monster I’ve become
sloppy mud rolling gluttonous pig would be sufficient as well.

Suddenly your life is governed by new rules
In order to protect your hear and emotions safe.
All you have to worry about is keeping everything a secret.

1) Hate yourself so much you no longer respect that you are
2) no longer care if your body is nourished
3)no longer care for your body as you become numb by stuffing your face with junk food instead
4) simply bend over and puke so you can try and truly numb and suppress feelings at any people, place or thing
5)give up all free time for this new “hobby” or coping skill
6)no longer enjoy time with family or friends
7)plan on losing all relationships, period. Its all about food and you now.
8)give up all dreams and goals including doing to work or school so you can stay at home to b/p in to a complete state of numbness

They say the eyes are windows to the soul,
Yet mine have been boarded up from depression
Isolation, dark, and alone
I pretended I was a ghost stuck in a house
That would slowly collapse inwards
If the boards did not come off
Then the very house protecting the ghost
Would cease to exist
For what use is an abandoned house
If no one can use it

I’m done being sick, I’m done being healthy
Only to get sick again
I’m done catching glimmers of hope
Only to be attacked and locked down
The house is on fire
The ghost has disappeared too
And the ash just blows in the wind.

Now the soul can rest.