Rut Life

My Rut life begins with my family.
My father: An abusive selfish stranger who abandoned me 10 years ago.
My Mother: An over controlling, over worrying mother.
My brother: An equally abusive, and over controlling as both my parents.

Let me describe Myself:
    I am 16 year old Hispanic male Junior in a "White America" high school.
    It's difficult to feel like I'm wanted, let alone if I belong.
    I am graduating on the mostrigourous diplo type my school offers even though I am dyxlesic, and I     do not get any special assistance.

    I am the dumbest 'smart' guy in all my classes.
    I can not make a decision by myelf that I won't end up regretting later.
    I can't be by myself without getting depressed
    I can't be with anyone, romantically. I've got commitment issues. I'm afraid of getting left again.

    I've already been left by my father, and my first love..
    I have twicthing and zeirure problems, but get no medicine becuase  my mother says that "It'sposion" and that it'll kill me.
    Oh the Anxiety. Anxiety isprobabbly what makes me twicth, and spaz out.

Financially, I am a lower class non-citizen. My mother makes $21,000 a year to support the both of us. Like I said, I'm a non-citizen, so we do not recieve any government assistance. It's Okay, we manage. But I get tired of 'managing'. I get tired of the stress I'm under. I want to help my mother with the income, but I'm still in school. I'm 16 and can not get a job due to the fact that I have yet to get my Driver's License. Even if I did have a licnse, I don't have a car, because I don't have a job.. and I don't have a job becuase I don't have a car.. This is one of the most obvious ruts in my life. It gets deeper as time passes.
The Only way I see myself coming out of this rut, is if I were to finish school. I could either drop out and get a minimum wage job, to temporarily get out, but then end up in another rut because I didn't finish school.
or I could actually finish school.

I need to go to college.
I need to keep studying.
I need to be a computer engineer/ software enginer.
 I need a better life in the future to make what I currently have worth the struggle.
I need education.
I need.... to have the resourcess to make this possible...
I need money to go to college..
I need money.
I need a job to get money...
I need a car to get job..
I need a job to get a car..

Damn... I'm still in this rut.


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