“Why do you not talk?” they would mean
I talked about trivial and safe things,
But I am not a gossip magazine.
So “friends” would leave me behind.
“Why do you not like me?”
Long acquainted strangers would ask.
They sensed my distance.
Always pretending to smile, to like, to hate, to know,
Was I so obvious?
Following leads and scripts, I was all show.
Never truly shared my opinions, and conclusions
Afraid to be center show
And be wrong and laughed.
So I was reserved.
Wanting acceptance, no, more like wanting to blend in.
I heard their stories but few stayed to ask for mine
Which is why I learned early to smile and nod.
But now they want more from me?
Did they want me? Or did they want an animated shallow me?
I gave them an opening, but still they left
I gave up…
I pretended for too long.
Irrelevant if I am a failure in others’ eyes.
I drive to be a winner in mine.
If I can only have a select few who I can depend on,
Then I will be blessed.
At first, I am reserved,
But not for fear of rejection.
I will not chase the superficial,
Instead, open up to those who earnestly ask
And let myself be hurt and risk hurting others
Because the sacrifice is worth being unconstrained.
I no longer fear to get things wrong.
I communicate what I want, feel and think despite my nerves,
And portray me genuinely
Because I am done acting disconnected from me.
I am unhindered.