Moving On

 

My dear,

Your scent still lingers on my clothing

so on lonely days I make sure to breathe you in, zip you up and pull you close.

I am not an expert in filling empty spaces,

so I fall to the mercy of glass bottles tonight.

 

Your name is caught in my throat

Your image tainted in false perfection.

I’ve tried so desperately to preserve your memory.

Your taste, your walk, the tenderness of your kisses.

But alas, memories fade in the same way broken promises do.

Sometimes I’d rather be alone.

 

My heart is lead tonight,

beating slowly,

oozing poison through my veins

and I miss you.

My throat is swollen shut,

and my eyes are too worn out to cry,

It’s been a while since I’ve seen you, old friend.

I hadn’t seen your face in almost a year,

but now I run my shaking fingertips down your tender cheek.

You are cold. Metallic. Staring back at me with transparent eyes.

 

My heart is heavy tonight,

so I let myself sink into the ground.

These shards of shattered glass are my only comfort

and I miss him.

My throat is swollen shut,

and my eyes are too worn out to cry.

I’ve been looking for pieces of him in every blade of grass,

in every tree...

I want to lend him my demons, let him wear them on his sleeve.

He’ll never quite understand why I’ve hidden you in the darkest depths of my mind,

He’ll never quite understand why I shudder when I hear your name,

He’ll never quite understand that when you raise your hand, I’ll raise mine,

when you bat your eyelashes, I’ll fall in love,

and when you’re tired of playing, I won’t want to leave.

So you’ll drink too much, smoke too much, live too much,

carve me out and leave my empty corpse on cold linoleum.

I am your playground.

He’ll never understand that when you press the blade to your hungry wrists,

I’ll open up into a sea of red, lick it clean, and swallow your sorrows for you.

 

My heart is sleeping tonight,

dreaming of him,

dreaming of you,

and I miss me.

My throat is swollen shut,

and my eyes are too worn out to cry,

He’ll never understand that I don’t want him to understand.

Sometimes I need you to envelop me,

dominate me, destroy me.

Sometimes I need to remember

why I left you in the first place.