Rejected

my family hates me, and i’m not adoptable 

any adversary that must meet my mental chaos

drowns in an unattainable goal

beautiful people that the blackness and despair poisons, please forgive me

my grandmother gets angry at me for anorexia

and i feel as alone in the bed as I will in a coffin

consistently craving acceptance in forms of confirmation

conformity hurting me and yet no salvation

what’s left to do? drown in my sobriety or rise in relapse

close friends feel helpless because I make it so

and there’s nothing i can change when there’s so little left to do

bearing witness to supportive families keeps igniting my jealousy as I crave further for acceptance and love

none of my tears will ever solve the dilemma: that the human born without a solid family began

the human began to grow up and develop personality

beginning to grow from a mother’s multiple absences

beginning to accept all the abuses that a father inflicts

beginning to understand all the unlovable traits

ending a happy life.

i want those vacations where the car broke down and the family exploded

the bonding and conversations had that led to discovery of each individual

but i’m stuck in the town of cary

walking dilapidated sidewalks

dreaming of attaining something that everybody else takes for granted.

Comments

zeppelingirl

I wish I could be one of those RAH! RAH! people who could give you guidance and encouragement, and tell you profound things that would change your life in monumental ways. But unfortunately, I had a pretty sucky life too, alway's wishing I could have a normal family filled with love and laughter, always wishing I could be adopted out to any other family in the world except mine, lol.

But, what I can tell you, is, you are not alone. You are connected to a vast community of people just like you, who were ripped off of good and happy childhoods. You may not know it, but with your hauntingly, beautiful writings you are reaching out to us and connecting to a family of sorts. All of us disfunctional people who put our lives to paper (so to speak) in order to tell others that we are important, we do matter, no matter how screwed up our lives were. We do matter and we aren't going to take it lying down.

SO. anyways. Thats my take on it. Just thought I'd tell you I feel very connected to your writings and I really love them and your are touching at least one person in this vast world.

Shaunda

 

erikabeatpoetry

Dear Shaunda,

Your comments are making me cry! I am so thrilled that you like my work and thank you for giving me valuable input on where I should go from here. I know that I am not alone in experiencing a bad childhood and I feel that if I can write something to make others feel loved, it makes writing worth it. Life is super rough and hopefully I can spread advocacy and comfort through what words I can muster up in poetry. I am very grateful that you read my works, and please, feel free to comment on anything! 

 

Best Wishes,

 

Erika

 

P.S. I got your commentary notifications on my e-mail and I shrieked with excitement!!!!!!!!!!

 

p.s.s. I love your username!

zeppelingirl

Erika. 

You are so welcome. I did'nt get your reply in my e-mail and I've been searching for you ever since. I just accidently found you. Reading your words made me feel instantly connected to you. With your beautiful words, I don't see why you can't be an advocate. This is the same reason I write. I have had people ask me how I could put such personal information out there for the world to see in my poetry and stories and I have alway's said " if I can help one single person, just one, then my horrible childhood will not be a waste". I will read the rest of your stuff. Please feel free to read mine. I'm having a hard time finding my way around this site so I'll just bookmark you so I don't ose you again.lol

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