A Recording Just For You

Sometimes, I wish you could see me;

have a video tape recording that you watched

at the end of every day,

that played out the events of my day to day life

like a movie

with my own personal thoughts narrating your way.

 

I wonder if maybe then

you’d understand my worry:

why each night I curl up tight,

warmth radiating from your sweatshirt

that you have long outgrown

and hasn’t smelled like you in a long time,

just to have a remembrance of you,

to hold me safe while I drift off to sleep

while you our out making your place

in this big old world.

 

I think perhaps, in this film,

hearing my thoughts

might trigger something down

deep, deep down inside you

that would clear all this confusion away,

to tell you there is nothing in the world

I wouldn’t give up

just to have you here by my side.

 

For you to see,

scene to scene, room to room,

 my hours of over thinking;

analyzing things again and again,

tears springing from my eyes

as it all turns in the negative direction,

anger as I throw things

knowing pacing back and forth

will never solve any of the challenges

that we are soon to face.

 

For you to reach a better understanding;

to truly hold me when I am near

and remember to repeat “I love you”,

with desperate promises of returning,

while you are away;

to not be afraid to explain every aspect

of why you love me

again and again

because I never get tired of hearing it;

and to call every once and again

because the magic of a voice

can hold you together

long past a few days

over instant messaging.

 

Then perhaps, at the climax,

the entire film will turn on a different angle,

change its whole direction with a steady tilt,

and as tears slowly push to breach the damns

that your golden eyes try to hold shut,

you will smile.

 

Knowing that the love you have for me

is just as strong in the reflection,

knowing the nights you tossed and turned in agony

wishing for anything to hear my voice,

charismatic, soft, funny, and pure,

that I was curled tight in fetal position

wishing for the same thing too.

 

Maybe you will become outstandingly brave

with the new knowledge,

that our only real challenge

is the one we create ourselves:

pushing from adapting to the change.

 

I’d like to think that, at its resolution,

when the curtains close,

and the credits start to roll,

we will still be together,

no matter what distance may tear us apart.

 

And when the film ends,

clicking at the end of the recording,

we will both be happy, sound asleep,

dreaming of each other

and waiting for tomorrow

where it will all begin again.

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741