I nonchalantly sat their alone while the night sky fell upon me, while rodents ran past my feet. The stench of overfilled trash dumpster and the worlds left over garbage of people sat near by. An unfamiliar voice impatiently shouted “ come on, do it already”, waking me up from a dream of diving into freshly lavender scented sheets and curling into a ball near my nice warm fireplace built in a home no longer built for me; a house that crumbled after I left.
Again that unfamiliar voice of a man roared “come on”, egging me to do something I claimed I wanted for so long so without reluctance I did it. With no emotions just the reaction of a face squint as it went in. Forcing a 2inch needle of serenity in my forearm while these strangers interestedly stood on by, I could feel my body tingle; the methamphetamine taking over, controlling every vein, artery, and muscle. Every organ fell victimized to its leader invading every centimeter of space in their body. My thoughts began to scramble and suddenly every negative emotion at the tip of my brain fell back in line, fading away like clouds after endless days of stormy weather. Nothing allowing pain to feel victorious, it fell short when battling this white warrior creeping inside me. Obscure images of that unfamiliar face flashed in front of me his voice projected once again but this time more relaxed, less hostile he said “wow you’re the queen of darkness.” The tone in his voice showed excitement as if he were a spectator watching something incredible fold out before him, but it was only me. A 12 yr old girl sitting lonely in an alley way full of cold old men shooting class A drugs in front of me. Like them, I too made exceptional grades because I was on the honor roll with them, obtaining A’s that weren’t worthy of gold stars and rewards. I was the queen of darkness. A nickname I felt reluctant to show off as a prize but there I was, holding those two words in the palm of my miniscule hands. Hands I wished were big enough to crush those words into shards of nothing. And that’s when the pain rushed back into place, the tip of my consciousness; regret snatching those butterflies of innocence out of my stomach. I asked him “would you ever go back?” assuming he knew exactly what I had asked of him and he responded “we never have.” At that moment I was stuck, my throat clogged with words I couldn’t spit up, so I sat their with this already darkened alley way hovering over me like a dark shadow meant to scare me; before I ate my self whole with emotions I took another dose, this time with more meaning, shooting up this white drug as if I were to be celebrating something, but I was. I was celebrating a new beginning because this open space of rotten garbage and stench of rat waste wafting through the air was my new home and I could never turn back.