I wake up to darkness

and trip my way to the bathroom


the light illuminates the reflection

of a stranger

I have worn my mask so well it has become who I am

the lie taking over my life and making me feel better than I am

I get washed, dressed, and get ready unfocused

heading out the door it seems I've lost my purpose

I smile politely and answer every question the way I'm expected to

I'm eating and joking

and it seems I've got it all together

in reality I'm on autopilot and I'm not sure who's supposed to be steering this plane

like I'm being controlled

by some invisible puppeteer,

who is he?

Perhaps the last shreds of my dignity trying to convince me

that I will get through these trials I've suffered through so long

T\/t I will finally be the victor

that right will be made of all my wrongs

But it's hard to believe that when I'm feeling so insecure

Unable to move forward because I've been chained by my past

holding on to the same perception of who I was told I was to be

of what was acceptable in their eyes

And as a defense I've wrapped myself in this cocoon where I can pretend you can't hurt me

This mask is my shield that distorts the image of the real me

The one that is too easy to taunt or be taken advantage of

the one that's too sensitive and weighs every word carefully

always trying to be understood

and never succeeding

The one who loves too much and finds it harder and harder to put herself back together each time

The one who only pretends that life is easy and actually hates this pantomime

But lately I've been tripping on this walk

and my mask has been cracking with each fall

and the real me is threatening to shine through

Desperately, over and over I try to fix it but I'm running out of glue

I can't seem to remember why I've been playing this game.

If I accept who I really am will things really never be the same?

Am I fighting to be accepted or hiding from judgment?

Is it both?

Is it not enough to find satisfaction with myself?

I'll surely never know,

until I I'm willing to step from behind this curtain

and give the world a real show.




Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741