I wake up to darkness
and trip my way to the bathroom
the light illuminates the reflection
of a stranger
I have worn my mask so well it has become who I am
the lie taking over my life and making me feel better than I am
I get washed, dressed, and get ready unfocused
heading out the door it seems I've lost my purpose
I smile politely and answer every question the way I'm expected to
I'm eating and joking
and it seems I've got it all together
in reality I'm on autopilot and I'm not sure who's supposed to be steering this plane
like I'm being controlled
by some invisible puppeteer,
who is he?
Perhaps the last shreds of my dignity trying to convince me
that I will get through these trials I've suffered through so long
T\/t I will finally be the victor
that right will be made of all my wrongs
But it's hard to believe that when I'm feeling so insecure
Unable to move forward because I've been chained by my past
holding on to the same perception of who I was told I was to be
of what was acceptable in their eyes
And as a defense I've wrapped myself in this cocoon where I can pretend you can't hurt me
This mask is my shield that distorts the image of the real me
The one that is too easy to taunt or be taken advantage of
the one that's too sensitive and weighs every word carefully
always trying to be understood
and never succeeding
The one who loves too much and finds it harder and harder to put herself back together each time
The one who only pretends that life is easy and actually hates this pantomime
But lately I've been tripping on this walk
and my mask has been cracking with each fall
and the real me is threatening to shine through
Desperately, over and over I try to fix it but I'm running out of glue
I can't seem to remember why I've been playing this game.
If I accept who I really am will things really never be the same?
Am I fighting to be accepted or hiding from judgment?
Is it both?
Is it not enough to find satisfaction with myself?
I'll surely never know,
until I I'm willing to step from behind this curtain
and give the world a real show.