A Portrait of the Artist at Almost 17

Wed, 12/04/2013 - 11:34 -- Maude B

 

I developed a smoker’s cough in the last month or so

I try to make it cute by smiling a little apologetically

And making my eyes big

Like I’m surprised and sorry for an outburst

Very feminine

 

I started thinking I was pretty within the last year

Maybe it’s all the eyeliner I’ve started wearing

Or the fact that I have better clothes

Or even the idea that people wanted to fuck me

Even if it was boys and not the girls I used to go after

 

Suddenly a world opened up

And I was an object

But that’s what I always wanted to be anyway

All that matters to me is public image

And other peoples’ evaluations of myself

 

Walking in public has become a game

How many people I can imagine are thinking about me

How many would fuck me if they had the chance

Which most of them do

Whether or not they realize it

 

I still see myself as a little girl who doesn’t know her place

A manic pixie dream girl

Only there to move forward the lives of others

Being completely naïve and childlike

But it’s cute, isn’t it?

 

I used to be better at interacting with people on a deeper level

People I barely knew told me their secrets

And found comfort in me somehow

But after I gave false empathy to those I didn’t care about

I sunk into pure apathy and lost my touch

 

Sometimes I hate myself for getting high so often

And constantly searching for something new

Some chemical adventure

Because what else is there?

I don’t remember what I did when I was sober

 

My self-worth has gone up as it’s gone down

Even as I sink into insanity and self-destruction

I look good doing it

Take a naked photo of me with my scars

And I promise you I’ll look beautiful 

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