Dear firefly, 

It's been too long since I've seen you

It's been too long since I've felt your touch

     the brush of your hand on mine

     the soft reassurance of your fingers skimming the skin on my face 

     the fierce protectiveness of your arms enveloping me

It's been too long

 

At night, I can't sleep.

I long for you

     your body next to mine

     your warmth surrounding me

     your slow breaths in my ear

When I do sleep, I'm tormented by memories of us

     sitting on the dock, looking at the stars

     laughing as we eat breakfast, turning red from the stares we get

     tangled in each other, you asleep on my shoulder and the TV on in the background

And all I do is look at you

     how your eyes squint ever so slightly in concentration

     how your smile spreads across your face and lights up the room

     how your nose twitches when you're dreaming

And this overwhelming sensation of love crashes over me and I feel everything at once all over again

     Curiosity

     Embarrassment

     Anxiety

     Happiness

     Dejection

     Contentment

     Hope

     Sorrow

     Confusion

     Worry

     Joy

     Ecstasy

And I'm on top of the world, I can do anything, nothing is impossible with you by my side

It's you and me against the world

 

But then everything stops

     the world freezes

And I remember that I left

     that when I wake up you won't be there

     that I won't see you and that I've got a while to go before I will

     and that if I do see you, if I do hear your voice, it's through a screen that neither of us can go through, only break

And it doesn't matter that I've got a plane ticket in my back pocket or your number in my phone because when I wake up

I'm alone

Again

And my selfish self doesn't want to wait, doesn't know if it can because nothing here compares to you there and I'd give it all up for you if I didn't know that you'd send me right back if I tried

Because I'm Doing Things that are Important For My Success and damnit, I don't care anymore

Because right now it's not you and me against the world, it's me

Just me

Against a lot of things that aren't particularly friendly

Right now I'm off Doing Things that are Important but who said that you weren't just as Important to me, to my future?

I think you are.

I think that whenever my mind drifts to you, a red hue tinges my cheeks and I relax my posture

I think that whenever I'm around you, my laughter flows freely and I feel warm, hot, humid

I think that whenever your arms are around me, everything stops

     and all that matters is that I'm safe and warm and loved by you

     and I press my nose into your collarbone because of the way you smell

You smell like home

You smell like home and love and the stars on a hot summer night

     and I know I'm where I need to be, that this is where the Fates wanted me

Everyone has a home. It can be an actual house or it can be another building or just an area but mine is a person, and that person is you, my firefly.

The person I want to go to school with and have accidental sleep-overs that turn into early morning cuddles with

The person I want to eat meals with and bicker over politics and movies with

The person I want to wake up next to for the rest of my life and think to myself

     "How did I get this lucky?"

The person I want to walk dogs with and pray that the new Star Wars movies will be good with and have holiday stories that make our friends laugh until they cry with.

 

It's you

It's been you since the day you walked into that AP English class and sat down in the middle of a group of guys that I know

It's been you since I introduced myself by trying to be funny and failing miserably

It's been you since I invited you to the haunted house and you tried to have one of the workers scare me a second time but I just laughed and dragged you into the next room

It's been you since I told you how I felt and you apologised, saying you didn't feel the same way but you really wanted to stay friends

It's been you since the day you asked me if it was okay for you to ask another friend of ours to prom because you wanted to make sure I would be okay

It's been you since your seventeenth birthday when you were mixing music and were so passionate you lost yourself in the beat

It's been you since that late July day when I was messing around with another guy and all I could think about was you

It's been you since that night after I told you what happened because you asked and you got upset and said that you needed to go to bed early, you weren't feeling well

It's been you since the next morning, when you were still upset and now I was really worried so I begged you to tell me what was going on

     and all you asked me was

          When is the last time you'll see him? and I told you and you said to ask you again after that

     but I wouldn't have it, I was worried about my best friend and I made you tell me and the first thing you said was 

     "I made a mistake."

     Okay, what is it, what can I do to help?"

     "I made a mistake letting you go."

     

     Oh.

     I need to think for a minute.

 

     Why are you telling me this? Do you need to get it off of your chest or do you want to do long distance?

          "I needed to tell you. I don't want to do distance."

     Okay.

          "Is that the wrong answer?"

     Yes.

          "Okay. I need to think now."

     Take your time.

 

          "You'd be worth it."

 

And I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and I can feel my heart pounding in my chest and I don't know what to say because after ten months you're asking me on a date and I'm so nervous

     but then I realise

     It's you

     It's been you

     And I don't need to worry about anything because you're the one hugging me, the one brushing the hair out of my eyes, the one kissing me and putting all of the love he has in it

     It's always been you.

 

     So I'll wait. I'll keep Doing Things and being an Adult and Succeeding.

     Because when I come back I know that you'll take me into your arms and the last few months will wash away and it'll be you and me against the world again.

 

     "You'd be worth it."

 

     Those five words are all I need to keep going.

 

     I'll see you soon, my firefly.

 

          Shayla