Some nights full of tears
Others full of tossing and turning
I've put all the code in my brain to fall asleep
But I can’t.
I can’t stop remembering
How my words and actions of endearment were turned into weapons against me.
Your words were filled with acid
That pierced through my toughened skin.
The memory of you raising your cold calloused hand against my nine year old cheek
Still remains in the back of my head.
Since that night,
Everything I once saw beauty in
Looked dull and grey.
Any human touch made me numb.
Everything I did was a routine that you encoded in me.
I gave up the one thing that made me human.
Because I loved you, Mom.
But, things are different now.
I gained my free will for one second and my life changed
When I receive warm embraces from him I feel life.
Everything around me has a new gleam that I may not have perceived before
No longer are my words a double edged sword
But a symphony returned with a melody of his words.
However, I have yet to escape your grasps.
There are still nights where I wake up remembering how your love hurt me.
But I know with time I can recover
Because my dad loves me.