That Parasitic Fear

Guess what?
I'm doing well for once.
It seems surreal
That my heart and mind agree
Things are alright
But something itches
I thought, a laugh, a word.
Yes, it itches me
Demanding that I notice it's there.
 
See that thing is fear
The twisted, stomach turning fear
That loud fear.
It's loudest when all is calm
When I'm safe.
Say from my usual life
Because when we're safe from one thing
Another arises
The cycle is endless.
 
And it scares me
See that's what fear does
Makes you scared
Makes you look over your shoulder
It's maddening
Waiting, watching it's every move
See the scariest
The very worst things in life
Are always right in front of us
 
We can always imagine wrong
If we can't see
We can never be sure of our fear
Know exactly
But then there are things known
Things obvious
Those are the most terrifying
They haunt me
Unrelenting.
 
Or rather,
It haunts me.
That one fear
That one thing that always nags
Always itches
The one fear of all fears
The fear of falling short,
You see friends,
I fear failure.
 
I fear being left wanting
Fear when I'm not enough
Fear when something is left undone
When I miss a note
Miss a line
Forget a gift
Can't be enough
Because I feel it in the past
And still do.
 
Oh how I do.
The scar scream it
My brain screams it
I cover my ears in desperation
But no it's not that easy.
See this fear
It's part of my thoughts
Part of my mind
Part of me.
 
And yet, I'm okay.
See you have grown accustomed
My scars or white
That sickly permanent white
Inescapable, unchangeable
Yes my scars are part of me now
Their deep it's true
And their numb to this day
But they're mine.
 
Yes. They're my scars.
So acceptance is my only option
Infection? Acceptance.
Pain? Acceptance.
It's my only answer
This is my fear.
So I must except it.
I have no choice
I must except it.

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