It’s all done and said. That smile you once had was only a fake. I can't believe you fooled me once again. The trust we had made was only the beginning. I will not let it continue. After what I just saw; the way you made me feel, I don't know what to say to you. Should I brush it off my shoulder like I do to everything else?

   I give up! I gave up a long time ago. I'm alive for no one, except family. My family is the only thing I truly love. The only thing I care about. Why must you make me feel this way? I hate it. I hate it so much. I can't show you the truth because I am too scared to see the true Bethany. I do not know who she is anymore. I hid her in a closet because I was scared no one would like me. They all would hate me, hate who I was. I thought this world was meant to smile and to be joyful. But is it really? I mean I don't believe it anymore.

  It is like you left me on the side walk, to die alone. Forget every word you say. What did I do to gain such as this? I don't believe I can even help anyone anymore. They don't let me. How can I help myself? I can't. This is me trying to find a way to move on; to bring my soul out again. I am dark inside, and I can't even explain why or how.

  But I need to know, did you mean all this for me, to fall; to put myself down. I love the way that everyone can be, a person hidden from reality. Why did this even get so far? Why did someone make sure that no one showed his or her true potential? We can do it right? Start over. How? How can we do that? My life I have searched for that answer. Yet I am 17, and people who or 70 still can't find the simplest answer why people do such a thing. Everyone expects humanity to be perfect; to belong in a perfect world. Hurt full words, should be banned because all they do is make more problems for this world. It's not worth it to fight any longer; to be a devil in a disguise.

  We were not supposed to end up this way. Everyone says there is a legend that your soul mate has the other half of your heart. I don't find it true because no one will find his or her soul mate. They deal with whom or whomever they find first; whoever seems to fill that need to be happy first. I continue to say that a soul mate isn’t real. 

  I have dealt with a friend who thinks that love is the key to happiness. I am sorry to break the news buddy. Were not two anymore. We can't run around and pretend where getting married because not all of us will achieve it. Never will anyone think that it is worth getting married having children who may never listen. Or listen and behind your back have sex, drink, and smoke. Every little thing you want your child never to do. Think again because they all do it. No one is ever perfect.

  Gosh sometimes someone could just understand where I come from. Why I do what I do. Why every day I act like life is grand but inside I am dying because I can't smile. I can't be the child that is grand. I can't help every little problem. I can't clean my room because I don't know. I really don't know. To your parents, you say it is because I am lazy. Maybe it is true. Maybe it is something more.

  I do not tell my therapist every little thing in my life because I am scared. If she heard my true feelings I would be scared of myself to. I wouldn't want to find out what I have deep inside my heart. What I have done. What I might do. I can't trust that I will make a right decision. I can't trust my own self to do something right. My double-sided personality sucks. This isn't about me being selfish me telling lies. I hate lies they hurt me more on the inside, but I still do them anyways. I am messed up in the head. No one can change me because I will always be this way. I am stubborn it is me. I don't want to change any more. I want someone to be happy with the true Bethany; the true me.