Why do you say it's Wrong-
When it is SO RIGHT!
Why do I live in fear
as if someone has already whispered in your ear.
ALL things that I DO.
Wrong, RIGHT. I don't know.
Fight for it. YES
How could I not?
I could NOT because you say its wrong,
my upbringing, a double standard-
this is good, this is true,
this is bad, this is wrong.
I can't take it anymore.
this DOUBLE LIfE!
the anxiety it has caused me.
What do i do?
How do I do it?
Do I come out of the "closet"
is it even a closet, or maybe a cupboard, lazy Suzan?
YOU told me we are all the same age spiritually, or age is just a number,
is it mom? is that what YOU beLIEve? or are you just a parrot,
repeating every thing you'VE been drilled to say.
What do you think DAD?
did you fail me? or did you just not obSERVE me
when I needed help, when I needed adVICE?
Where were you?
Where were both of you?
I don't do this because I have negative feelings towards you,
I do this for me,
Maybe I should do another thing for me,
maybe I will just tell you how it is,
TAKE ME OR LEAVE ME.
what do i lose?
What do I gain?
I gain myself back, completely,
I can breathe, I come up for air, i can float, breathing in all the air.
He gains the rest of me, The parts I don't even know are there.
We float. we I DO. we everything
there is no more of a DOUBLE LIfE
there is simply just ME and him
But I am scared,
I don't want to be, but I am.
you won't take it lightly.
But this is what I NEED.
do it I MUST!
I will pop if I wait any longer! but when?
how much longer can I wait?
or has it been long enough?
One year. two weeks, four days.
sometimes the days feel like minutes,
sometimes I wake up from a nightmare, then the minutes feel like days,
when I call you, it feels like years pass by,
I look down, I beat the bush,
I don't tell you.
I'm sorry for this life in double.
but I cannot bear myself the trouble of breaking the news,
and setting myself ---