pacing the Cupboard

Why do you say it's Wrong-

When it is SO RIGHT!

Why do I live in fear 

as if someone has already whispered in your ear.

ALL things that I DO.

Wrong, RIGHT. I don't know.

Fight for it. YES

How could I not?

I could NOT because you say its wrong,

my upbringing, a double standard-

this is good, this is true, 

this is bad, this is wrong.


I can't take it anymore. 


the anxiety it has caused me.

What do i do?

How do I do it? 

Do I come out of the "closet"

is it even a closet, or maybe a cupboard, lazy Suzan?


YOU told me we are all the same age spiritually, or age is just a number,

is it mom? is that what YOU beLIEve? or are you just a parrot,

repeating every thing you'VE been drilled to say.


What do you think DAD?

did you fail me? or did you just not obSERVE me

when I needed help, when I needed adVICE?

Where were you?


Where were both of you?

I don't do this because I have negative feelings towards you, 

I do this for me,

Maybe I should do another thing for me,

maybe I will just tell you how it is,


what do i lose?


What do I gain?



I gain myself back, completely,

I can breathe, I come up for air, i can float, breathing in all the air.

He gains the rest of me, The parts I don't even know are there.

We float. we I DO. we everything

there is no more of a DOUBLE LIfE 

double standard-

there is simply just ME and him


But I am scared,

I don't want to be, but I am.

you won't take it lightly.

But this is what I NEED.


do it I MUST! 

I will pop if I wait any longer! but when?

how much longer can I wait?

or has it been long enough?

One year. two weeks, four days.


sometimes the days feel like minutes, 

sometimes I wake up from a nightmare, then the minutes feel like days,

I pannic.

when I call you, it feels like years pass by, 

I look down, I beat the bush,

I don't tell you. 

I'm sorry for this life in double. 

but I cannot bear myself the trouble of breaking the news,

and setting myself ---





This poem is about: 
My family
Poetry Terms Demonstrated: 


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