Over Thinking (My Thought Process)


Thinking gets me into trouble.
I think about this.
I think about that.
Next thing you know
I'm crying in fear of
Impossible things.

Yes, that's what it's called.
Where I'm thinking of eating Ben and Jerry's Fish Food ice cream
And suddenly fish swim in my thoughts full of
Saltwater taffy that I would get at the beach
I would go to back when my parents were together.

They were in love.
Since she and he were small, they were in love.
They had me.
They had my sister.
Then one day... they stopped.
He went one way.
She another.
They were no longer "them".

Back then love was magical.
Full of wonder and music and sweetness.
Enough to make sadness disappear, to brighten rainy days.
Now though, it's more like a myth.
A made-up fairy tale for children designed to encourage.
Why, you might ask?
Because "love" is over-used.

Someone is leaving? Say you love them.
Someone is cute in adorable ways? Say you love them.
Someone is famous? Say you love them.
Someone is related? Well, I guess you have to say you love them.
Ugh, it's so over-used that it's ridiculous.
Much like my thoughts are overthought.
See what I mean? I was talking about Ben and Jerry's.

Which reminds me:
My dad's name is Jerry.
So is my grandfather.
You know, I actually have four grandfathers.
Because of marriages and divorces.
People who once "loved" and now don't.

I asked my mom once, why people could say they don't when they used to.
Her answer?
That people can fall out of love.
How is that even possible?
That just sounds like a fable,
An empty story to hide empty emotions of betrayal and defeat.

When she explained that they fought,
That they were always angry,
I thought that they would have been together forever,
In happiness.
In love.

That's so cliché.
I'm pathetic.
The list goes on.

When I get like this I eat comfort food.
To "cheer myself up".
Probably why I'm fat and ugly.
Who cares though, right?
People still "love" me.
I'm "loved",
Therefore I could not possibly be so.
Which makes no sense.
But whatever, I'm "loved".
I don't have to make sense.

I'm sorry.
I should just go calm down.
Maybe eat something.
Something sweet, probably.
Oh, I know:
Ice cream.
Specifically my favorite kind.
Ben and Jerry's Fish Food.


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