to our moonlit skin,


United States
46° 45' 2.8512" N, 117° 10' 3.3528" W
I told you that no matter what, I’d be okay.
"I’m always okay."
                    It’s been a while since I’ve had to say those words and I guess.. I needed to. I suppose what I wanted wasn’t what I thought it would be but it was exactly what I needed. You’ve taught me to love myself because no one is going to do that for me. You’ve taught me that I can’t sacrifice my wants for anyone and that you can’t keep trying for something that’s just not going to happen. I wanted you so badly and as raw as these wounds are, I still want you. Us. 
                   God, you're somethin’ special yknow? You are such a dedicated young man and it excites me to know you’re headed for great things. I admire how sure you are of yourself, how you know exactly who you are. I am so drawn to the way you read people and.. The way you view life is something I try to keep in mind. In fact, I keep a lot of things about you in mind. 
                     Your words resonate within me at random times. Even when we went months without talking, I’d find myself lingering on your words. It’s even worse now that I find myself lingering on your lips.. On your skin. God this isn’t okay. It’s not okay that you make my heart skip beats. It’s not okay that you make me feel so fucking special when .. I’m not. It's not okay that you fill up my ribcage with your sweetness only to have it become lodged in my throat.
                    You can’t give me what I want and yet, it’s so hard to keep that in mind when you give me so much else. 
                    I love how I make you laugh and how you relax around me.. I love how I never know what to expect from you, how you’re full of surprises. But it’s not enough. You can’t give me what I want but God I keep hoping you will. 
                   I’m beginning to accept you have limits to your affection. I’m beginning to realize you don’t see us as a future entity but rather a present being. And that’s not enough for me. 
                  I’m realizing so many things are just not enough. Wanting someone isn’t enough. Wanting something to work out isn’t enough. Believing in someone isn’t enough for them to be who you want them to be. Wanting to be loved isn’t enough to have someone love you.
And yet, as horrible as this is, I refuse to believe love isn’t enough.
If it isn’t enough, it’s not love.
And that’s okay.


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