You look at me, not speaking but your eyes say why what your mouth doesn't 

You don't care

You turn your head towards me as if you are listening, but your body language has written a message for my ears to hear

You're not paying attention

You speak, words flowing from your mouth, but your hands tell me otherwise 

You'd rather not

You say good morning, a smile on your lips

But your shadow tells me you don't feel loved

 

You don't feel loved, but you refuse to let anyone in

Won't talk, let me share your pain 

I am not inside your head, I can't see, I am blind until you let me 

You turn away, turn in, lash out

Build walls, break bridges, sell cars

You try to isolate yourself, but I won't let you 

You begin to hate me

 

You don't hate me

But I do 

Sometimes, I feel like I push you too hard, ask too much, give too little

Sometimes, I feel like I give too much, love pouring out all day, all night 

Never to be restored

I hate me for feeling so deeply, not caring enough, being so self-centered, worrying about anyone else

 

I worry about everyone else

But I worry more about you and me

I'm afraid my neediness, my clinginess is turning you away

I worry you have forgotten my need to communicate everything

I worry that you haven't realized that I replaced my need for human affection, my craving for touch and connection, with conversations with you

That does not mean that it's gone away

Instead of grabbing onto someone and holding on tight, I ask you for advice

Instead of sticking it through unhealthy relationships I talked with you 

But you've left me like a piece of driftwood, to fend for myself

My anchor is gone, and now I am lost

When I come out to someone and feel anxious but proud

I turn to tell you, but you're not there

When I feel out of my element and don't think I can make it through the day 

I look for your ghost for words of encouragement 

 

I want to be the one who gives you words of encouragement 

Your own personal cheerleader

You always turned me down, but

I think somewhere, inside you, you have a list of the times I had your back 

It hurts that I cannot be the one for you to turn to

But it bothers me more that you burrow within yourself

Taking your pain and sadness with you

Not realizing that one day that you'll collapse

I don't think you realize that the end of you is the end of me

How important it is for me feel to wanted

Because I've been so long with the feeling reciprocated

But I want you to know that you're wanted too

 

Four years babe

But not one I love You

Happy Anniversary